Friday, 28 December 2007

I have been socialising, yes that’s right you heard me....

I haven't been around in far too long and it's been for all the right reasons for a change, mainly I have been out in the big wide world (yes these new meds are ace). Also I have been working hard this past December. I actually have quite a bit to blog about for instance I haven't exactly been getting on with my Mum this past year or so and I was invited over for xmas lunch and my brother M was going to be there as well but instead of crawling into the wall space and saying no I'll be ok. I bit the bullet and said yes, I didn't go mad on presents this year I brought nice things not too expensive just things I thought people would appreciate. So I turned up with my Dad and another brother N slightly anxious I should add....


 

A wonderful day was had by all, it really was an awesome day me and M got on he actually cooked the meal was really nice, my Dad behaved himself and didn't get too drunk it was nice seeing my Granddad and it was nice everyone being together there didn't seem to be the underlying tension that there is normally. Mum said she had a really lovely day, the first time she hasn't cooked in years so this probably helped and I think everyone just enjoyed it even me =]

We came back at about 830pm and I just chilled with the kids, they had had a stocking with plenty of catnip filled goodies which were getting full attention and generally keep them out of trouble.

Boxing Day I had the most relaxed day I have had in a long while I did so little its untrue, which if you realised how much nervous energy I can often have is blessed relief. I had received several books I had wished for xmas and proceeded to finish one and start another on Boxing day just sitting there with a good book some chocolates and me it was awesome.

I haven't been half as vocal as I normally would be on everyone's blog I have been doing a lot of lurking just lately but I am in the process of really sorting things out now.

No new year's resolutions but as from the 2nd of January I will no longer be drinking smoking and I intend to exercise this illness has led me down a route I have struggled to fight and from now on the fighting back starts so Cyclothymia bring it on biatch

Happy NEW YEAR everyone

Friday, 7 December 2007

Tooth Faery will be happy tonight

Hello all ;0)

I am currently eating and drinking through a straw ;)

The short and long of the story is when I was about 15/16 I went to the dentist they gave me nitrous oxide to do something i am not sure (*reflects*) now what and when i woke I was having hallucinations I was disorientated I felt sick and all in all I really had a bad reaction. So I haven't seen a dentist since, and believe you and me I have at some stages been through some pain killers....

Well until recently, the story goes......

A couple of months ago I was just getting sick of my Teeth there look my crooked smile (to try and hide the gaps) and thus I stepped into a new Dentist that had opened up in the high street *anxious, sweating and shaking* checked they could take me as a new patient and signed in for my first check up in 15/16 years. About 2 weeks later I turn up for my appointment, to which the dentist makes some notes and I tell her I am nervous she proceeds to calm and reassure me...

Its all over she tells me I will come back in a week or so for two fillings and that I need some extractions ;o

Well I go back for the filling, two or three injections and some cleaning, polishing, drilling, digging, scraping and tapping and she tells me I she will refer to the hospital for the extractions as it might be better if I go there to get them done?? The Jaw x-ray machine wasn't working so can I come back sure np ......

I get my x-ray done its sent to the Hospital and eventually I get an appointment, for which I travel 11 miles I wait 45 minutes for my appointment I get in to see this dental consultant and he asks me why I'm there???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Players – M = Me D = Asshole dentist consultant

D - "why has your dentist sent you here?"

M - "because I had a bad reaction to gas some time ago and she thought it might be better if i had my extractions done in hospital"

D - "no you didn't"

M - "sorry !!!"

(*P&C's awake now thinkin how deep can I bury this fools face into his desk and use his ears to flick paperclips across the room in a grotesque game of tiddlywinks*)

D - "No you didn't have a reaction to the gas you just had a bad day, I'll do the extractions but it wont be until after Christmas maybe, and ill do them under local as that's all that's needed"

M – " O.K. I'm done here goodbye"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I gets back to my home town I walks into my Dentist, proceed to relay the above drama and ask if I can have the extractions done there as if he is only doing them under local surely I can get them done at my dentist and besides which he was a GIT

Today's appointment was thus made I walked in at 12:10 pm with four rotten teeth and out 40 minutes later with a gaping hole in my gums a mouth full of gauze and padding a definite bleeding, sickness, unsteadiness and waves of relief. To be noted, no pain, no discomfort, no hallucinations and my dentist was really comforting.

So I'm back on Wednesday for four more....


 

Oh and if your reading this Tooth faery I don't do credit

Sunday, 25 November 2007

Friends New & Old


 

Since having my shiny new Blackberry I have found I am generally a little more connected, well ok I am permanently connected but this has led to me staying in touch with people a little more and forgetting to contact them back a little less.

This in turn has led to me becoming a little more organised which has helped with the P&C and I know need to starting treating it seriously myself, because *blushes I may not have been treating it with the seriousness it deserves...


 

I mean I have a psychiatrist on standby they have me on 1000mg of a fairly strong drug and they are weaning me up to 1750mg and I really am being a little flippant about it, but In a sense I ahve to be to be able to deal with it. I ahve this for life permanently it aint buggering off no time soon so whether they are offering me social to help me or telling me how I have to behave I think I will take what they offer give it due and fair consideration then deal with it accordingly the meds are working brilliantly and I am being careful with them maybe I haven't totally stopped drinking like they told me to I ahve to an extent stopped smoking I only tend to smoke when I am drunk now which isn't very often at all but this illness and my addictive nature mean fighting drinking is a real arse, don't get me wrong I am down to once a week if that and then last night I had two pints and three glasses of wine over a meal and over four hours but it still doesn't help and I have learnt to spot it, my Dr says I am lucky that I am so intuitive when it comes to P&C personally sometimes it just gives me reason to beat myself up....


 

On a more upbeat note I have started to make a hard copy back up of my music collection which stands at 1068 albums and 936 artists because other than the hard drive they sit on I have no copy, and yes people they are all legal, I told you this P&C thing and me have an addictive nature I'm the same with books....

Where was I, oh yeah hard copy of music I am burning a copy of each album off using Itunes which I have to really shout the praise of Apple for making this such an easy to use facility..


 

Ok Im done jabbering now


 

L out

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

My shiny new Crackberry

Well I have finally broken and joined the crackberry revolution my shiny new Blackberry 8300 tuirned up yesterday I am now 24 hours into using it and I say I think I may just be in love the only minor issue I could possibly have is this version doesn't have wi fi but my mobile provider have an unlimited download for a very reasonable price per month and my new baby has 3G edge the other one with an H.

As you may or may not have noticed I'm quite chuffed and all issues are on hold while I enjoy my new addiction...
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Monday, 5 November 2007

Hey Sorry if this looks weird or different

*******microsoft Live Writer failed it wouldn't even log into blogger******

So the below post is from blogger how pants is that

I'm trying something new tonight I have just downloaded Microsoft's live writer and thought I might as well give it a blast in an attempt to embrace Web 2.0 in its entirety. We shall see.





This weekend has been a long peaceful and reasonable one, there should be loads to tell you but I really cant remember any of it.



Friday I had a really stressful day, which isn't good it kicks my episodes off, then dumb ass over here yes that's me decides to go to the pub with my Dad. I really shouldn't drink so basically I am compounding the issue and not helping myself (yes I know I am supposed to manage this illness, wrists suitably slapped). Well Saturday I went to our local town fireworks display where the bonfire was huge and most entertaining (maybe I'll speak to my shrink about that ) Then the fireworks where let off in time to War of The Worlds (the photo is of the bit where the Martians die from bacteria and the said fireworks looked like bacteria under a microscope) the original one not that one with Tom Cruise the fireworks were just astonishingly spectacular one of the only occasions I wish I had a Video Camera. That finished at about 830 and I meandered up to my dads local to watch some friends of mine play in there band Maelstrom and they are very good (Although I never did see Harry in that Belinda Carlisle dress) I have to say especially Whirlpool and red so hats off to you three.



I may have then got very drunk wibbled a bit tried to get home (I did finally manage this) and collapsed in bed....



I woke this morning regretting (physically only for a change) what was basically a two day binge wandered over to the local supermarket and purchased some juice of the freshly beaten orange fortunately for me they had dairy maid (not the right link but it amused me) on buy one get one free so I managed to suitably re-hydrate myself and gorged myself on a full breakfast which returned me to what is the closest I ever get to normality.





I then slept which was basically my body saying oi you give me a break, and my friend from over the corridor woke me in time to sit down and eat a superbly delicious Sunday roast cooked by his good ladies other half (It was fantastic no word of a lie) to which I had a couple of overly large glasses of red to help it down.



Are you seeing a general trend here reader are you?



Cus my liver is an I don't think he is awfully happen about the situation.





Oh well I'll give him a break for a bit while I try and work out what drink and my med's do to each other,



now where is that general medical dictionary I picked up from a boot sale in some years back.......





L out

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Well, when I say drugs I am talking over the counter prescribed medication & when I say rampant orgies I am talking out of my arse....

but it got you reading thus far. First off apologies for the spelling in prior posts I am going to make a marked improvement there I am going to use spell check. I know, I know, I am just bloody lazy.

Well what has actually been happening, well not all that much I have been responding well to the medication which is good.

Ok Ok I have been sneakily grabbing the odd cigarette after quitting some 10 weeks ago but its the drink I tell you its the drink !

anyway I havent had a drink or a cigarette since tuesday and I am going to make a determined effort to stay away from both well not have either anywho...

So whats new in my world well, the anger issues are interesting in the fact that now I know what they are I can kind of try and sit them out!

I tell you what though......

I have just put on some weight on recently I have turned into a right porker, now my psychiatrist tells me this is part of the course of the medications so hey get on with it body, the minor problem being my clothes are getting to the cloth not wrapping around body stage

but hey my shrink said one thing at a time so Im with him.......

now there are some custard filled chocolate covered donuts around here somewhere

L out

Thursday, 25 October 2007

Well good Morning,

Just let me give you a little background I am having mood swings on a daily basis but not what can be described as mood swings like one mood tuesday another wednesday....

Oh no where it that simple my mood can change within a ten minute conversation I can be talking to somebody and start off agressive and uite confrontational and come away the nicest person that you have met my mood shifts that quickly of its own bloody accord then there is almost an underlying second stage which is my external mood which in a way triggers the other moods. So if I am feeling well and ok and everything is running smoothly then my moods will swing a certain way yet if I am stressed or down or under the weather then a completely different kettle of fish is with us.

That's how P&C likes to play not exactly fair now is it as you will see I have been attempting to get to grips with the whole thing and it will come over time.

I went to bed last night after eating and I pretty much had to force myself to do that not because I was down or not hungry mainly because I was so tired, so I ate and then went for a lie down I think I breifly wok esome time between 11 and 12 and then went back to bed then I wok ejust before 5 this morning feeling slightly groggy but awake and just morning groggy nothing else which was interesting because I have been feeling shite all week and hardly sleeping anf last night I slept like a baby.

Go figure ?

All I can say is I feel good today Good Morning World ;)

bring on the weekend ;)

P&C your a bastard for the last three days


Linkage of the day I have been an avid Gmail user for god knows how long now and ts ace but dont listen to me go have a look

Actually while we are talkingabout links I have also become some what of a facebook addict in recent months if you arent using which I cant believe go hve a look

L out

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

So it turns out P&C kept me up til god knows what time last night...

(ok it was gone 5 )

I got up at 8 (late groggy and generally feeling like shite) had the day from hell (emotionally) I kept feeling faint and tired like I had been punched in the stomach and worked from 9 til 1830 and generally had a very productiove day workwise which begs the question Why?

P&C had me thinking all kinds of things over last night I got into the office this morning and everybody had at least four emails a piece from me about something I had written up or ranted on me last night, most amusing as it even got brought up in a client meet & greet that I can be very productive at unusual hours (reassuring the prospective client that we can 24 hr roll their server)

I got in from our last call an internet hook up and literally hit the sack woke up at 11 and am still here now three hours later ok I'm tired an I think I may fall asleep but is this a visuos cycle that will end in a really bad week who knows who dares to wonder....

Actually I tell you who probably knows P&C I bet he's sitting there up in my mind with a lofty expanisve view chuckling his loopy little guts up knowing I have the accelorator and the gears, he has the steering wheel the clutch and the handbrake come on P&C bring it on.

I have had a major fall out nee barny come war with my closest by age brother M which I could go into detail about but right now every time I think about him I want to burn something so I think well save that one for either later My shrinks office or the mental shredder.

ttfn

oooh quicky I nearly forgot to mention go visit a very humourous friend of mine Musings of a Marginal go on your boss is on lunch and you know that paperwork can wait

L

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Well the question is are these tablets working my moods are to shit at the moment. Actually they are'nt I think I am just focusing on the dark ones and the paranoia appears to be coming thick and fast I just think I have to fight it hard and not take it out on any one.

I am definately affected by stress it ithout doubt kicks off my episodes, that I have spotted on a couple of occasions and although my Dr told me these new tablets would affect my weight I really have piled it on but there again I am comfort eating again because my moods are up and down all the time its hard to find a good balance I need to excercise....

That dread that fills us all when we think of the push it takes to get us to excersice urrrgh

I have a definate look of pork mountain about me lol

ok...

on a positive note I am taking links for every one that reads and comments between now and christmas I will add a link to my site

come on peeps link it up

Oh and go and visit Art Collective

This week me and P&C ( I am renaming my illness this because as previously stated it is like sharing your mind with a very real version of your confidence and paranioa but they have the ability to take over gaffa tape you to a chair and leave you there while they wreak havoc) have been listening to Russell Brand very funny guaranteed thave me laughing inanely for what appears to be no reason (if I have my hoody on of course lol.) and to eep it at least slightly techie related Boag World

Now we are tired and are going to try not to stay awake til stupid hours for no apparent reason

ttfn

L (previously Oracle, now L and P&C or L or insane or that person you cross over to avoid or just plain good old "wibble")

Sunday, 21 October 2007

We are having fun


Well hello there ;) I am not sure what I am going to write here so I am just going to start and hope my brain catches up with me.....


I have got to try and keep a mood diary to try and keep tabs on my illness so I can also try and get in front of the episodes, this all sounds quite explosive and destructive well it is and its isn't....

I share my mind with Cyclothymia which when it comes to an explanation is a little like having your confidence and paranoia mentally in control I am there as a member of the audience screaming for them to stop but they refuse to listen...


Now you see I have always assumed you where all like this as well I didn't realise I was any different I just assumed you never said anything about it but no it turns out its just me and 1% of the population, this so they tell me is quite a severe mental illness and it does explain some of my prior issues I am now being medicated permanently for the rest of my natural life which if it keeps them at bay in any way you know isn't all that bad it actually makes it quite interesting because now I don't have to feel guilty about what I thought where fuck ups I just have to fight the animal that is trying to cause them....


Well guess what Muther F*$cker im up for a fight so bring it on...


On another note this is a new interest of mine Art Gallery if you would have a look and tell your friends I'd really appreciate it ;)


More soon

Friday, 12 October 2007

Radar: Pictures

Radar: Pictures

Hey People a little off topic for me but go and have a look at this nifty app I just found for loading your pictures to the web from your phone its nice and sleek

Thursday, 11 October 2007

I share my mind with Bipolar Disorder

Ok I think I am starting again.

It turns out I have been misdiagnosed

I found out last Friday the 5th October from my new Dr (Dr Kumar) that I have Bipolar Disorder Which fits as to why the Cipralex (Anti depressant) wasn't working or at least appeared to be making my mood swings worse or the heightened states (mania) higher seemingly making the downs lower.

Anywho I am now on mood Stabilisers I started them also on Friday and so far so good although I didn't sleep so good last night and I am still here now 00:46am so maybe this is a sign of a cycle starting I don't know Im new to this well Im new to the insight anyway

I had some paranoia last night which I recognised which is good.

I have been asked to narrate my story and my issues to a lecture on Monday at my local mental health clinic so I am going to try and document a few things here to give me a reminder for Monday but also use my blog as my new mood diary to see if I cant learnt to spot the cycles


 

I also want to apologise any one who knew me when the illness had a hold, the various symptoms that I always thought was me being reckless, who knew I was ill its a shame I wasn't diagnosed earlier some of this could have been prevented.


 

So to anyone I hurt, misled, fiscally challenged or deceived (unintentionally) emotionally abused or mentally drained or just upset or made them tired in anyone I am not just blaming the illness because iI could have researched it myself and maybe self diagnosed and done something earlier so a portion of the blame lies with me BUT a PORTION not all I have to realise that a part of anything I do makes me responsible in a way always even if just a small portion but also I have to understand that I cannot be held totally responsible for an undiagnosed then misdiagnosed chemical imbalance......


 

So lets start again shall we

Hi,


 

Im L, I share my Mind with Bipolar disorder. Its ever so nice to meet you I cant tell you if We are going to have a good day or not yet we really don't know.

Sunday, 7 October 2007

iGoogle

iGoogle: "Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space. - Douglas Adams"

Art Collective: Go visit support Student Artists

Saturday, 29 September 2007

Quote Of the Day

iGoogle: "Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there."

Hello all, I hope your having a lovely weekend ;)

BB

Lee

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Hello World Again !

Hey I'm back again,


 

I dunno depression is an absolute arse I tell ya one day your up another your down there is now way of knowing how long your gonna be up for when your gonna come back down whether your gonna come back up, It has to be far and away the most annoying illness I have ever had the misfortune to have...

You see there I said it illness, thats another thing that annoys me about this illness so many people ignore it or pretend its ok or assume jus because you got some medication and you have a good day its all good now. Well no its not yes i have the odd good day and some days I feel better than others but Im not cured far from it i have only just really owned up to the fact to how ill I am when will YOU start....

I think there are more things wrong with me that lead to or from the depression...

I'm Lonely

I think Im impotent

I have one testicle (I had the other removed, cancer scare)

I have anger issues

I have intimacy issues

The list goes on....

What really frustrates me sometimes is I feel good enough to go on and take that next step then not a short skip, step down the line and Im cowering under a pillow again pretending me and the world don't exist.

I'm reading

Books on Buddhism, self motivation, self hypnosis, paganism, positive thinking, path working and the myth that is Judaea Christianity and none of it seems to help.

I met a fellow depressive a week ago last Saturday its the first female I have felt comfortable with in a while she dragged me off to the garden of the jazz bar we where in and asked about me.... Yes folks you read that correctly I finally thought I had found somebody I clicked with not somebody who was gonna mess with my head we talked I listened she listened then it just came out I said "can I kiss you" (I know don't ask I don't know) and she said " I have a boyfriend" well you know what I say lucky him she had the sexiest voice I have heard in a long time, really gorgeous eyes and she was intelligent, I think I insulted her cus i asked her if she would hold me when we got back out friends house and she said "if you where my girlfriend and you knew that was going on you wouldn't be happy" so fair point but she was awesome and you know what the next day (ok over e-mail) I told her.....

I haven't heard from her since we kinda destroyed my buoyancy and a whole chunk o' my confidence but hey its a step in my on going evolution

Ok things to check out im not linking you all have google and I have no motivation at the mo'

Newton Faulkner

Apocalyptica

Our new venture www.collective-art.com

Zeitgeist the Movie

And go be nice to some one i dunno' why just go by nice to some one and send me a penny in paypal I dunno why it just seems like a good idea

Oracle out

 

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

I have been finding myself

Hello people I have missed you all ;) I haven't been online in so long and I miss it mentally and physically. I have realised I need my blog/Journal to keep me somewhat sane it is one of the many tools I use to balance my mental and my physical and I really should make all the effort to keep it up I have been having an inwardly dark month and I really don't know why I have been discovering new things.


 

I have baked cookies

I have made smoothies

I have learnt how to use essential oils to calm and relax me

I have found Liquorice root (Mmmm yeah)

I have missed all my online friends and fellow bloggers, I haven't even been in a state to visit my good friends… Well I made an appointment to go and see the doc today as I thought I was getting so much better and obviously I am not, so I will ask them to up the dosage once more ;( I need to excersice I am sure that will help but as any one who has been where I am will know motivation is a major difficulty when you are down in the dark and its not good but with the new tools and coping strategies I am developing I am hoping motivation is going to come with the pile. Here's hoping

 

Friday, 20 July 2007

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

a Picture within a picture


A picture within a picture I was actually trying to photograph the rain on the bottom of the window
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Monday, 16 July 2007


I only actually posted this picture to amuse myself as today I realised my reading Lamp on my desk at the office looked like a Skutter from Red Dwarf ok Missing the fingers but its my Imagination stop messing......

Oh an I've had the day from Hell cus BT decided to bugger my phone lines and Bills to high heaven they didn't even use Lube or leave a tip so Ive come in had a brew a prawn mayo, chive and roquefort sandwhich, then I finished the last of the afore mentioned Toffee Shortbread then the fudge that I have fudged that hasn't quite set I had put in the freezer and I poured some over double choc chip muffin's yes comfort food is the only way to relieve stress after you have made call centre staff cry
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Quick Edit, possibly an aside I just had a visit from the ever Lovely Michele
(go visit an say Hi...... No now, not later now........ You aren't Listening ;) ...... )
She lets many of us litter her blog with our comments and brings us together in many ways for that and the Comment I would like to say thank you Michele ;)
Thank you
oh and the fudge was fantastic

Sunday, 15 July 2007


See how beautiful this looks and yet is was grey bleak and miserable outside but this rock brightened my whole day, a totally new experience for me ;)
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Random Picture

I know this is utterly Random which is a little strong for a Sunday but I saw this and just liked it so there
Posted by Picasa

As requested the New living Abode



My Shiny New apartment ;)

My Chocolate Toffee Shortbread

I have been very nicely asked to provide my Recipe for Chocolate Toffee Shortbread

Sorry about the picture but as anyone who has been reading will know my picture taking options are limited at the moment ;)


The Recipe goes as follows

290g (10 oz) of Unsalted butter at room Temp

60g (2 oz) Caster Sugar

175g (6 oz) Plain Flour

60g (2 oz) Ground Rice

400g Condensed milk

6tbsp Golden syrup

200g + (upto you ) Belgian Chocolate (although any will do)


  1. Grease a baking tin
  2. Cream 180g of the butter until soft the add the caster sugar and beat well until pale and fluffy
  3. Stir in the flour and ground rice and mix until it all comes together. Press the mix into the base of the tin with floured fingers and prick with a fork. Bake at 180 degrees (gas mark 4) for 15min then leave to cool
  4. Place the condensed milk, syrup and remaining butter in a saucepan stirring continuously, bring slowly to the boil then simmer for about 5 min until golden (like custard but slightly darker) pour over the shortbread evenly (smooth with a heated sppon) then leave to cool
  5. Melt the chocolate by breaking it into a bowl placed over a pan of simmering water. Pour the chocolate over the cool toffee layer and spread evenly (with a heated spoon) leave to cool then refrigerate for 1 hr for best results over night.


Enjoy ;)

Edits are brought to you courtesy of Anne (Thank you Anne for saving me further embarrassment ;) )

This is my 100th Post (Things I have forgotten to post about)

I cant remember if I have ever bogged about this I an don't know why but I don't wanna go back but a while ago I fell out with "B" an she has spoken to me since ok I have been as guilty in none reply but she was quite harsh. The reason I bring this up today on my 100th post is I woke up this morning thinking about it an I had, had an awesome dream (which for the record since I started my meds I am dreaming again I cant remember the last time I dreamt ) anyway yeah the last time me and "B" spoke was over MSN (no suprise there) and the last thing she said to me was 'Why do you even talk to me' I couldn't come up with a good enough answer and we haven't spoken since.

Which after everything we went through I think is a real shame, but I am too stubborn to cross the bridge or hold out the Olive branch and to be honest I think she manipulated me a little bit in the overall grand scheme of things.

To the point where right now at this exact moment in time I actually dislike her and was considering righting her an obituary. Dont get freaked out I wasn't planning to kill her I just planned to use it as a mental end of story.

Ahh see now its making sense isn't it dear reader now you can see why I need this blog some things I just cant keep locked up in here for to long its not healthy.

I have been asked by a good blog friend to post some photos of the apartment I still haven't got around to charging my camera or for that matter finding the charger but in all fairness I did get a new phone yesterday and the camera on that will probably surfice so as soon as I have loaded the software on this computer I will sort some photos out.

Thursday I had an urge to cook, don't ask me why I just did so I cooked a Lasagne and chocolate toffee shortbread. Well the lasagne was awesome and a big hit but I just wasn't happy with the chocolate toffee shortbread so on Friday I made Cannelloni and more chocolate Toffee shortbread this time I played around with the recipe and it was spot on, the shortbread was just right buttery melt in your mouth and the toffee was fudgy very Moorish. Oh the cannelloni was awesome too.


 

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

I think I have found my sanity

Well technically that's a lie, I think I know where I left it and hey fuck it! It can bloody well stay there what with these meds I am in a much happier place things don't stress me half as much as they used to I have the odd bout of anxiety but even they are getting less and less in their appearance.

I have realised I have to do something about "you" as my emotions are now well and truly in control as I was reading a post or equivalent on a social networking site she made to her ex an I got Jealous hmmm not good I actually invited her round to my new place an offered to cook an she agreed, so we shall see ;)

Hey I can hope, all's not lost as long as you have hope

I am well and truly settled in the new place the Kids can go out whenever they want and it just feels more relaxing than the old place. Plus the bonus is I can see more of what's going and indulge the voyeur in me lol (I'm just nosy really)

I have my laptop set up in a study come library now and as you will be able to browse should you feel the need I am indexing my vast book collection using Shelfari go see its an awesome site if you like your books ;)

Anywho nice chatting to you but I must be off

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Good Morning ;) It’s Sunday and all is well.......

Well it appears to be well ;)


 

I should be cleaning my old apartment right now I have unpacked all my boxes so I have room to move in my new apartment. I have some bits and pieces to put away but Ill work out where I am going to keep those over time for now I'm taking things piece by piece ;)

So am I going to clean or come up with excuse after excuse not to? No I need to clean as handover is in three days so I'll get my ass in gear and go an dclean ;)

I may or may not be back later to tell you all how I'm getting on ;)

Friday, 6 July 2007

It’s Friday I’ve moved again

I need to lose weight I have decided the quitting smoking has failed I brought ten tonight and have smoked one ;0)


Blah


I have no will power


I need a hobby and I have decided I haven't had sex in far too long does sex count as a hobby I certainly enjoy it


I will post more I am still tidying up ish or settling in Im not sure what its really classed as I have boxes half unpacked and stuff in cupboards where it doesn't belong.


The Kids are happy as they can go out more easily and although it has a bedroom less its actually bigger (pah go figure)

TTFN back soon

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Just seen the pics of my ex’s wedding

Cant decide what emotion this has brought out but I don't think it's a good one


 

I vocally said some nasty things about how she looked which is childish an is probably just deep rooted anger an then I had a little rant an now I don't know how I feel but I needed to air it here

Monday, 2 July 2007

I’m not an attention seeker am I?

Where did this title come from I really don't know?


 

So I say ignore the title…..


 

I said Ignore it……


 

I'm smiling profusely cus I got one of those comments that just makes you smile in a warm the heart people are real an genuine kinda way an that sometimes is jus nice ;) She knows who she is an my reply is the fact that somebody cares even in a small way means more than anything, sometimes the smallest gestures have the greatest effect ;) So thank you.

I still haven't had another Cigarette people ok so officially only 39 ½ hours in but this is good for me ;)

Sunday, 1 July 2007

I’ve quit smoking so bite me .....

You know what the really annoying thing is I'm not finding it half as hard as I have in the past, ok thus far I have had a couple of weak moments but nothing serious and Im already past the 24 hour mark. Ok that might not sound serious to you but that just tells me you've never smoked.....


 

This time I am kicking the habit I hate it I have done for ages and its going


 

So people some support may well be needed here ;)


 

Other than that Ive been packing this weekend as Im moving again, not far this time an hopefully this time It will be for longer than a few months ;)

Saturday, 30 June 2007

Is it an addiction or do I just despise being told no?


 

I know I'm not supposed to be drinking on my current course of Meds and yet I persist ;( Ok not as frequently as I used to its is no where near as often I hardly if ever drink in the week any more but last night I was invited by my Brother "N" to see a some friends who perform in a band Maelstrom play in one of my local pubs. An what can I say I enjoy drinking I just don't enjoy the after effects ok luckily I didn't wake on a downer this morning but It was only luck added by the fact that I had a really good night last night but still why do I do it?

Anywho I am ok slightly hungover but it happens I am planning to quit smoking tomorrow so all the help I can get is gonna be needed folks ;)

Friday, 29 June 2007

28 Days Later

Ok so I've been in hiding……

I'm 28 Days into my Medication well 29 Days but 28 Days Later sounded better ;)


 

Well no I haven't I have just been really lazy when it comes to blogging commenting and general internet, I haven't even used my laptop @ home in god knows how long I dunno why I just haven't had the need or inclination to really. I am still going to be blogging I'm just not sure how frequently?

What is really good at the moment is Im reading again and I am getting up in the mornings well when I'm not its literally because I am tired and only that. For now back to the reading In the last two weeks I have read The Red Dwarf Omnibus, Michael Connellys The Narrows, and I am just about to finish The Historian By Elizabeth Kostova This is one of the best books I have read in ages a Historical Romance about Vlad Tepes and the Dracula Legend with Intrigue Suspense and Romance and thrill thrown in for good measure all in all an awesome read, I would advise anyone to buy and read this book.

"you" is back on the scene but I think I have come to the conclusion that we are just going to be friends even though I know I have stronger feelings for her I am sure they are not returned even though she see's me as a very good friend that is all it is meant to be which is a shame because she lights me up and she is so intelligent and so beautiful she has a radiance that glows from within and she is just so creative…..

Other than me work is busy I just need to reschedule a holiday as I am going to need one.

A blogger friend of mine has some awesome news well she had it over a week ago but still go over and congratulate her I personally wish Fauve and Thing all the best in there new life together and hope she continues to keep up her blog no matter what the content ;)

Congratulations to the happy couple ;)

As for me Im getting there which is ace ;)

So bring it on world its all cyclic and im in a form of evolution

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Im supposed to be in Paris

So why aren't I there you ask well I had things half sorted I had flights booked I had my Korn ticket booked I kind of had my accommodation sorted….


 

An well work and funds have conspired against me I have a big presentation to do on the 25th its my cousins wedding on the 23rd which I need to be here for and well Im only just into my meds an not sure if Im ready for Paris on my own, don't get me wrong I love Paris, an I mean I love Paris its just I need to know Im me in my own head again and I booked it all in haste as a form of escapism an I will reschedule but I now have a Korn ticket for next Wednesday an Im not gonna be there anyone gonna be in Paris an wanna use it ???

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

So ive been in hiatus

Well I've had a bit of a break from blogging not for any reason and not because I haven't had things to write mainly because I have been just trying to work things out and let these new meds level me out. They appear to be doing the trick I started taking them exactly 12 days ago on the 1st of June and was wary because I had been warned by the doc that they would take 2 – 3 weeks to kick in well I don't know whether it was the placebo effect or the tablets but they appeared to make me feel better after taking just two tablets which I was complaining about. I started then on the Friday before my mum's birthday (recap I hadn't spoken to her in a while, for various reason's so I was slightly anxious) and the bbq was being held on the Saturday night my doc had told me drinking wasn't a good idea on these new meds but I had been forewarned that the bbq was going to be entertaining a good proportion of my family ;o

Well if you knew my family you'd get drunk….

So Saturday evening arrives I'm two days into my meds and I get to the party and proceed to drink I actually started on G & T which isn't a good sign by all accounts I really went fot it and have very little recollection of the evening from about 21:30 ish onwards ( I didn't get there until 19:30(I know its not big and its not clever but its done now ;( ) ) anywho I had a really good night I wake up on Sunday Morning not entirely sure where I am other than the fact that I'm naked and I roll over and one of my mum's friends smiles back at me ;o

(hence some of the reason for the hiatus I have been deciding whether to post this or not)

So we enjoyed each others company for a couple of hours got up and me still very drunk fell asleep on her sofa and woke up part of the way through POC 2 well waking upto Johnny Depp not many women would complain so she drops me off back at mine at about 16 – 17:00 ish and that's that until I get an email from her asking how I am I had basically spent the rest of Sunday and bank holiday Monday recovering on the Tuesday I'm back at work and all is well the tablets appear to be working well even though I had got drunk I did have a weird day on Thursday where I felt angry for most of the day for no apparent reason but the next day was fine then on the Friday my Mum's friend "T" asked if she could see me and she arranged to pick me up and she would cook for me which on the Saturday we proceeded to do and then I came home on the Sunday and have been generally getting used to life on the meds which is pleasant because I feel very different some days tired and the past couple of days slightly nauseous but if the long term benefits are to feel as less anxious as I have been feeling and not have the dark days anymore I have dark patches still but not dark days anymore and I know its till early days but I hope things continue to get better as they are doing…

As for "T" well I don't know where I am there or what I am actually doing or why she seems keen I think but I really should have told her where my head was at and about the meds and guess what I didn't well we shall see how the meds hold out an where we end up but I might be posting a little more often now I have this one out ;)

Friday, 25 May 2007

Blah where do I start

Well I went to see the doc yesterday I got up feeling rough and slightly deaf and I thought this ain't right surely? So on arriving at the office I rang for an emergency appointment and surprisingly enough got one, toddled off down to the doc he looks down my ear and his first words are eurrgh….

Which I wasn't expecting, turns out I have had this ear infection for a couple of weeks an my body has been ignoring it or I have who knows, well he puts me on ear spray and antibiotics, I then have to inform him I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for my prescription for ssri's to make sure things to conflict. Now this was strange for me cus I never really used to take tablets and all of a sudden my life is to be very involved arrange around these weird little pills. They are going to improve my quality of life greatly so I don't mind its just strange for me to think I will rely on someone other than myself. I asked my doc who was really good by the way about the issues with ssri's and he put me at ease saying look if something is wrong you fix it that is what you are doing with the ssri's an when he put it like that I thought "yeah that makes sense".

So I troddled off to see my psychiatrist today who I talked about the issues I have been having and how the boundary between work and play and my dark days is getting blurry and that I thought I was ready to accept chemical help in sorting this issue out and he told me he would write the scrip for me refer me for some confidence building therapy and see how I coped on the meds. You know what I already feel slightly better I am out of sorts today but I already feel slightly more at ease in myself in that I am a step closer to the end to this dark evolution of me I am sure I will come out the other side a better and more understanding person but I have to say this journey has been pants….

On a different note I have been invited to my mums 49th birthday bash tomorrow to which I am going hesitantly but I really do have to go there are bridges that need building there so it's a first step and all but I am on antibiotics at the mo and I really should stay on them and continue the course, but do I sneak a wee drinky in tomorrow night (we all know where one leads come on lets be realistic its me compulsive addictive personality over here) or do I be a good boy and stay sober….

Well answers on a postcard please

*side note*

I gave my psychiatrist the url to this blog today so if you're here and reading it welcome and thanks for everything


Here is a picture a friend of mine did and gave me for my birthday I cant remember if I have shown you guys before, I really like it makes me smile. An right now I need a smile, I have a really nasty ear infection....

It hurts I am on ear spray and antibiotics and I am going to see the Head Doc about my happy pills today so maybe I'll update you all later today ;)
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Monday, 21 May 2007

Time for change

I need to change what I am doing, but we all know change is difficult. I am not getting out any where to meet new people, ok I am getting out more than I was six months ago but I need to expand my hobbies or move further afield I need to expand my group of contacts I feel like punching myself for thinking this never mind typing it but I need to network. In a whole variety of Levels I need to get my social skills up to scratch again and I need to build my confidence levels up again. I have forgot to tell you all I went for a drink with my family last Monday for my Dad's birthday and my Mum was there and she invited me to her birthday party this Saturday the 26th which was nice and I haven't been able to face going to my Mum's for some time actually the last time my brother tried to take me there I had some what of a panic attack well this time there is going to be a whole lot of people there drinking or drunk that I don't or won't know, there will be family as well and I am going to go and enjoy myself.

Anywho here we go.....

Ok somewhere something went wrong ;o

Yes I am still trying to get to sleep but I have realised in my half awake half asleep phase, I used to have some if limited success with women ( I once managed to talk my way into a liaison with a woman much older than me 14 years ago she was 2 years older than I am now we are indeed talking mrs Robinson I was well happy with myself ) Anyway so we have gone from illicit Liaisons with older women to younger women to mass confusion but basically none and these days my confidence with women is zilch, nil nada.....

But I ask ya I must have had a slippery tongue or some persuasive guile at some point cus on memory I haven't done half bad, or is my deluded brain making things up for itself to make me feel better?

No its not "C" was an absolutely awesome kisser, as yet unrivalled

But that doesn't get my confidence back it just means I ahve some memories to keep me warm at night, I wanna know what went wrong, no scratch that I don't I just wanna know how to fix it

The Song to my Life

I was quite happily lying there letting my Ipod rock me off to sleep when a song caught my ear and woke my out of almost slumber, on Listening to the lyrics ~Pink – The One that got Away ~ I have decided this is my problem I let them get away this should be the song to my life well lets say the song to my relationship history so all I need now is a birth wedding and funeral song.....

Oh maybe a failed engagement, failed relationship, nearing drinking problem, cancer near miss, one testicle removal possible nervous breakdown........

No scratch that I need an Album

Sunday, 20 May 2007



Enjoying a lazy Sunday as you can see the weather is good ;)
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Friday, 18 May 2007

Oh bugger Im a moron

I have just realised I have effectively annihilated my anonymity by publishing a link to face book I am a moron sometimes and I preach to people about staying safe online what a complete Muppet is I

*edit*

Problem solved ;) I removed the link yeah you 'll find it if you want to but its not painfully obvious

*edit*

I may or may not have done something stupid

Hey people,

:) Long time no post (well for my regular readers anywho ;) )

I have been away signing up to all types of things and have been really slack updating my blog so much so I havent even been to see Michele in over a week I will pay her a visit this weekend though ;)

So what have I been doing well besides developing an addiction to CSI which is unusual for me as I don't normally watch that much telly I have actually been working my ass off which is all good ;) I have been sorting my new Tattoo photo's out as you can see over at Myspace ;) as well as generally surfing the net and not posting here. Well here I am so....

Well what may I or may I not have done that is stupid well I am on facebook now and I found out you can import a blog from an RSS feed or a website so naturally I put in my blogger URL then hit confirm.....

Then froze and went all cold, why you ask well I have posted about friends and people I know on here that I may be connected to or have as friends on facebook and I read one of the most recent ( no I am not putting a link to it and make it easier to find ;) ) and thought oh dear they are bound to work it out from that lets face it I have nt exactly used the worlds most complex cypher now have I *slaps own wrists*

Well for all my regular readers I am bound to be back more often now writing about the stress I have caused myself lol

As for all the newbee's from Facebook welcome and enjoy but beware this is my Natural Mental Implosion

Sunday, 13 May 2007

This is my new camera ;) This is the view from my Apartment.
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A Painting given to me by a very good friend as a birthday present ;)
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Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Been a while

Oh....

Women do my god damn head in ;( I don't knwo why I do it.....

I am going to delete her MSN and block her every f@:"£$g time I speak to "b" lately it frustrates me the cheeky Mare. I Msned her today to tell her I had signed up for The NDCS expidition to the North Pole they are full for next year but I am on the waiting list. That's another goal on the life plan signed up for and I told her that a girl I briefly had a thing ish kinda one date and we kissed no where near enough if you ask me has been in touch her name is "C" I had a real thing for "C" (yes I know another ??) but with "C" it was slightly different in as much as I was kinda dating her and the girl "S" I went onto propose to we were briefly engaged and I finished the relationship when I realised I was with her for the company not for her which I have never told her and probably should have. I also should have stayed with "C" as she really did it for me and in a way I have realised writing this "R" reminds me so much of "C" so there is a pattern to the women I fall for. Where am I going with this well.

"B" never liked "C" cus she was jealous (her words, she told me ) and I told "B" "C" had been in touch purely because I was chuffed she had been in touch and I told her I had been put on the waiting list for north pole well because she had told me I ought to do something....

Then she tells me she has a confession to which I responded if it's "S's" brother I'll point and laugh as she had told me her sister "A" had been trying to set her and "M" up and she responded 'Do as you wish' oooh sore spot

Well I told her I'm happy for her and asked her now she has her hands full with men and things have moved on can we meet up for a drink to properly catch up to which she replied 'when your over me maybe'

Now this royally pissed me off....

you wanna no why, well im gonna tell you anyway

I have given this thought and although I do care for "B" in a very deep way I have tryed to imagine us together not just together but intimate and you know what I can't do it, no I really cant I just cant imagine it and believe me if you knew me I have a very active and colourful imagination and yes I know I have gone through a whole torrent of emotions on here for "B" but I have come to realise that I think of her in a very loving and deep way and I truly believe I do love her but not in that way. I dont want to have sex with her and cant imagine it and for me that kinda puts the end to any long term ideas so thats it cold calulated and ended she on the other hand little miss bloody ego over there thinks I still have a thing for her well no I care for her and am jealous of men in her life but only the same as I am jealous of my sister "L's" new boyfriend who is 2 years older than me because I want to protect them.

Yes I had confused a deeper love with a lust or another form of love and maybe I should be telling "B" well NO

If she wants to know whats going on she'll have to read my bloody blog

An if "C" ever reads this I'm single

Sunday, 6 May 2007


My View

He he he

I know now I'm just being mean ;o
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The kids View


This is the view my Cats have from my apartment, Lol

I know I have'nt blogged in a while but I'll be back soon ;)
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Sunday, 29 April 2007

Lazy Sunday

I Don't really know how this has worked me being the techy I am I have never owned a digital camera well not one that wasnt attached to a phone well the results you see before you are from a camera I have just had given to me by a friend ( Ray my Tattooist)

he has been out and brought himself a shiny new Camera this morning and asked me if I want this one, well who am I to turn down the re-home of old technology and It's not too bad a camera to get me started ;)

So by all accounts expect more pictures....

I'm gonna try and take some more of my new parts of my tattoo and may post them here ;)

TTFN
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Thursday, 26 April 2007

I’m Late posting again ;(


 

I don't know why I am late posting….


 

Well I do and I don't ;o I had a very interesting Friday, My Brother "M" picked me up and Me "M" and his Partner "G" went to one of our local towns to a Vodka bar where my sister's Partner also "G" had hired out part of the bar for her birthday. This was the interesting part because "M" did not tell me that My Birth Mother "J" was going to be there until we where well and truly on our way. This caused me to nearly have a little bit of an episode as I hadn't been out in ages to attempt to deal with a crowd and I certainly hadn't been anywhere near my Family or that side of the Family in far too long I knew My sisters "L" & "C" where going to be there as it was "C's" Birthday and "M" had already informed me that "L" was running late plus she had emailed me earlier that day to ensure I was still going. (I have a history of hiding at the last minute & not coming out of my dark corner).

Anyway we got there it was half as scary as I had imagined and as it turns out "J" is going to Mexico very soon and had just had her Jabs and this had knocked her about so her and her husband (who is 4 Years older than me, yes you read that right 4 Years) where not coming. So that relaxed me a little bit. All In all I was very sociable, well in my own special way at one point a friend of "C's" started to hit on me over my Tattoo and I shied away and started to people watch out of a window but I had a good chat to my younger sister "L" and all in all enjoyed the night "M's" partner "G" only stayed for an hour or so as he doesn't really drink or do socialising but it was good of him to come out and me and "M" stayed until about midnight at which point we wandered round to another bar where our cousin "E" works.

"E" works in an eighties bar an wow we saw some sights she was acting a little weird and shy which I later found out was because she had had a run in with a customer earlier so we left had some chips (drunken munchies food) and "G" came and picked us up we went back to "M" & "G's" place where I eventually collapsed on the spare bed…..

I woke Saturday slightly hung over but not too bad had a fairly standard Saturday at work and the weekend generally passed without incident….

Monday, Tuesday of this week saw me unusually down which has really got to me be I think I am through it again now, well I hope.

There was an interesting development on Tuesday "B" got in touch and basically insisted I go on some kind of Adventure weekend, to bring me round the reasoning was exercise and meeting people. At one point she actually MSN'ed me saying please, please, do it…..

I just don't think it's my kind of thing and to be quite frank at the moment finances just aren't good enough for me to be planning anything other than Paris to which I already have the flights and concert tickets booked I just need somewhere to stay and spending money Mwaaa hah ha ah

She informed me that she is training for the Great North Run (news to me, an I am supposed to know her) and she said she feels great and home life is good….

Well work is going well for me at the moment, and home life stinks, I am lonely (cept for the Kids Q & Smeg (My cats) only thing keeping me sane) and I have very little to look forward to but I just couldn't be arsed to tell the happy little bunny ….


 

Nah I'm not bitter, I taste sweet honest ;)

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Interview Me

Ok here's me losing my Meme Virginity (that is my first ever Meme lol)

I was interviewed by Fauve at ...so I stabbed him in the head with a fork go have a look she's witty and her blog makes a good read

Right the interview

  1. Have you ever cheated on a spouse/significat other and if so, did they find out about it?

    Yes to my shame I cheated on my Ex "L" six months or so into our five year relationship with a random I picked up drunk one near Christmas this was the one and only time I still regret it even now and we aren't together and no she didn't find out
  2. Have you ever had phone sex?

    No, "B" asked me to once and I couldn't and the closest I got was writing her particularly vivid and sensuous erotic emails which I apparently have a talent for as she requested more
    and was amazed at the fact that they weren't written from a pleasure a male point of view (If that makes sense lol) (maybe one day Ill start another blog as she suggested I write more as she really, really enjoyed them if you get me ;) )
  3. What is your favorite song?

    Coming Undone by Korn it describes me to a tee

  4. If you had to pick a cartoon character to date, who would you pick and why?

    Lara Croft (ok not strictly a cartoon character, but come on….) She is the
    pixelated British heroine you just would, sad you say, I say I'm a geek at heart deal with it ;)
  5. What is your greatest strength?


    I would say it's probably my ability to listen It has been said on numerous occasions I am a very good listener…..

If you want to continue, here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the

questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else

in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five

questions.

Hi Every one ;)

Ok first off update

Thanks for all the comments via the "B" situation I really can't get my head round her she did tell me the man her bed had gone to bed in a mood because she wouldn't (her words) f**k him if that's making things any clearer (not in my head) I dunno she's sposed to be a friend she s sposed to be a lot of things but the deeper I get the more confused I get her telling me the things she does sometimes just muddies the water….

I should tell you all I have recently given her the address to this Blog and I think she will have worked out who she is ;) and in a way it's a relief because I can't always tell her how I feel even though I would like to ;) well I have been to see my shrink today which was interesting in the fact that I came away crying (again) and he has suggested certain routes for me to take :-

  1. No more drink (ever)
  2. A course of therapy one to one social interaction and confidence therapy to develop social skills
  3. A course of medication to help with my mental imbalance


     

    I told him how Lonely I have been feeling and about the drink (I was really, really drunk on Saturday (one bottle of Jack to myself)) and mentioned the "B" situation and well I came away feeling drained and really stressed and tired but I feel better because there is some kind of road ahead…


     

    I really want to ask her if we can go out for some food just to sit down and chat and so I can try and rebuild a circle of friends but I don't trust myself to not want more from the relationship before all this emotion out in the open business I just enjoyed being her friend and it was what it was now I just don't know I feel like she is uncomfortable around me and there is always some ulterior motive….


     

    I mean when I said


     

    "you only ever talk to mean when your lonely bored or at work"


     

    She said


     

    "that's B*ll**ks cus I have a man in my bed"


     

    (yeah im repeating myself)


     

    But why I ask you…..


     

    Why


     

    I have a very active imagination everyone who knows me knows this an it just, well I don't really understand my emotions. But I think it hurt ?


     

    So in conclusion… As of today I am dry, I will need some help along this path people cus I have had 11 months off before but I have been drinking in probably what most would call excess now for 13 years and I do do most things to excess for no apparent reason other than to show that I can some form of attention seeking I think, I have come to some understanding today as to the reason I am the way I am and I am going to move towards changing this but it will be a long and arduos road and I hope you will all stick with me and help me along the way….


     

    Thank you


     

    Oracle

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Oh hello where is the world it’s foggy

Well hello ladies and gentlemen ;) I have had an interesting week... hold on while I get my filofax ;o

Oh good your still here ;)


 

Well what has this wek entailed ? Mostly work ;) which is no bad thing but you know it is tiring and I need a holiday and I am starting to get really lonely ;( I am due to go away in June for two weeks but besides really wanting to go to Paris I miss it so....


 

Who wants to go away alone really ?


 

I have a visit with my shrink on Tuesday 17th (wish me luck )


 

I have more tattoo work on the Thursday 19th (wish me luck )

And I m supposes to be going out for my sisters 25th on the Friday which isn't so much as wish me luck as can I face that kind of crowd WOW....


 

(don't wish me luck, PRAY)


 

Ok I want bloggier advice?

I spoke to "b" tonight and I think I annoyed her cus I made out that she only spoke to me when she was annoyed, bored or lonely and she pointed out that she had a man in her bed as we typed (MSN) so that was b*ll*cks so why was she talking to me, I couldn't work it out an dam confused ?


 

Answers on a postcard ?

 

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

O'Reilly Radar > Draft Blogger's Code of Conduct

OK People, I'll start by saying hello ;)

I think you one and all as blogggers should go and read this I'm kinda in two minds about this, on one side I think it is a good idea on the other I am not so sure if blogging isn't abou ttotal free speech... I mean Natural Mental Implosion wouldn't be the random out pourings from my brain if I scensored it now would it....

I'm unsure here comments welcomed in fact on this subject I think it sa must

O'Reilly Radar > Draft Blogger's Code of Conduct

Monday, 9 April 2007

I stand corrected

Good Evening ladies and Gentlemen I have been humbled by the comments and emails I have received regarding my Easter Saturday post so to rectify I would like to say I meant no offence and courtesy of my brothers boyfriend 'G' who makes his inaugural appearance here on NMI I would like to apologise to anyone I offended and thank 'G' for supplying me with the following


 

Holy Saturday

Holy Saturday is also known as Easter Even and the Great Sabbath. The term "Easter Even" was used by the 1549 Prayer Book. The 1979 BCP uses the title "Holy Saturday" for the Saturday before Easter (p. 283)

When is Holy Saturday?

It is the Saturday before Easter, the last day of Lent and is the day when Christ's body lay in His Tomb. In the early church Holy Saturday was a day of fasting and preparation for the Easter Vigil.

What happened on the day before Easter Sunday?

This day was the Sabbath and the day which Jesus rested in the grave.

Easter Vigil

Easter Vigil, dating back to at least the Roman times, takes place on Holy Saturday. The Easter Vigil is a service held in many Christian churches as the official celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. The service includes the first use of the word alleluia since the beginning of Lent as well as the first Eucharist of Easter.

The Easter Vigil is celebrated by the use of a wax candle which is inscribed with a cross. The letters alpha and omega are inscribed at the top and bottom and the four numbers representing the current year are inscribed above and below the cross arms. Five grains representing the wounds of Christ are sometimes pushed into the soft wax.

Traditional Holy Saturday Event

The Bacup Nutters Dance traditionally takes place on this day in the small Pennine town of Bacup. Each year a team of folk-dancers with blackened faces dance through the town from boundary to boundary. A form of morris dancing, the blackened faces may either reflect a need for the dancers to disguise their faces from evil spirits, or have a mining connection. The tradition of this dance is thought to date back to 1857. www.coconutters.co.uk

Easter Saturday

Holy Saturday is also often incorrectly called Easter Saturday, a term that correctly refers to the following Saturday after Easter.


 

So I stand corrected and am humbled……


 

Im off to Michele's

Saturday, 7 April 2007

Easter Saturday – (Rock Moving Saturday)

Does anyone know or can anyone tell me what today is called we have Good Friday, Easter Sunday, Mourning Monday ? Does Saturday have a name or is it all alone cast aside ? As you may or may not be able to tell I am not particularly religious I am not as ignorant as I sometimes portray and I do appreciate and respect peoples beliefs and other Religions but this has had me pondering today ?

Minor update on todays chaos / Farce I still haven't found my tickets but in the great tradition that is of giving chocolate on Easter I have been given a Yorkie Easter Egg (can you say Mmmmmm) and a bottle of Jack Daniels……

Don't ask……

I am currently off the drink to lose some weight (very successful dieting process, if anyones interested I lost 5 Stone ;) ) but a whole bottle of Jack Daniels……

Will power, will power, will power…….


 

I have none ;(

The Weather is Lovely ;)

Well the weather over here on the emerald isle is fantastic this Easter weekend the sun is shining and the atmosphere is jovial ;)

On a stinky note I cant find my ticket for tonight ;( Ahhhhh


Im sure ill find it


I have had more Tattoo (see sidebar) ;) The pictures were taken yesterday so I hope to have them uploaded soon, well as soon as I get them off the photographer ;)

What am I doing today, well I am standing in for a member of staff as we have given him the weekend off to go and spend with his daughter and girlfriend and attempting to find my Ticket ?

Other than that its quiet so I'm going to meander over to Michele's and say Hello ;)

Wednesday, 4 April 2007

So I’m still here an I ve had a great day

Well have had a really good day today its been busy its getting busier and tonight I am actually going to chill out and relax ;) Its been an awesome sunny day which I think has lifted spirits in general ;)

I have had an email off my sister prompting me to agree to go to my other sisters 25th Birthday party yes I know I really should go ;) An you know what I just might ;)

I had an awesome meeting today where by my company are going to pilot an IT standard in the UK which is brilliant for us ;)

And Im still single ;)

I spoke to "you" today why I still persevere there I don't know its obvious we are just meant to be friends but she is sooo cute ;(

Did I mention in the previous post on Sunday when I got really drunk I think I got chatted up ;o Im not sure cus memory is a drunken blur but I have some vagueness about it lol

Anyway I told "B" about this and she questioned me about the situation and we surmised that I had nothing in common with this woman so there it ended but it was a weird conversation in so much as I haven't heard from "B" since and she was just bein weird…..

Ahhh its probably just me

Ladies and Gentlemen unless I can find any one as kooky and weird as me I am destined to be single and that's that

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Oooh I’ve been meaning to….

Afternoon people ;) I have been politely prodded by a fellow blogger today to update my blog as I have ‘nt been on for tooo long, an for why you ask? Well basically I have been meaning to ;o you know whats its I like, I must do that oh I must do that…..
An somewhere along the lines I managed to neglect my blog, well that’s just not on now is it ;(
So I have been popping along to Michele’s commenting happily and completely forgetting to post ;(
So where have I been well for most of the week I was stressing about a presentation I was giving to local parents on Wednesday which actually went quite well for a first run ;) Turn out was really bad but that just showed there was more apathy than we expected which I cant control, I mean I was in the local press four times and on the radio lol
Then Thursday I had some more work on my tattoo ;) two and a bit hours of real therapy this psychiatry business is jus psycho babble get your ass under the gun for a couple of hours it sorts everything out ;) He has again done an awesome job and it is looking superb so more pictures soon….
Thursday I went to the pub then toddled off home rather tipsy but chilled and inked up, Friday I popped round to my tattooist to pick up some of the hemp healing goo and his lovely assistant also known as his ex wife and business partner let it slip that there had been a cancelation and well it would have been rude to say no….
So Friday I had another hour ;) Oh therapy in bulk ;) on my elbow and again he pulled it out of the bag its looking awesome ;)
Then the debauchery started ……
We popped over the road for a couple of beers and I think I ended up in there til quite late ooops…
So I was delicate Saturday morning which didn’t end til Saturday afternoon at which point a friend of ours who has just landed a job in Brussels as a stagier for the Labour Party I think it may well be called the socialist party im not sure (answers on a postcard) popped in to say he was back for the weekend and we where to catch him for a beer later and so out for something to eat and then into the pub to catch “G” for a beer the pub was rammed so I only really got to chat to him in the Toilets (don’t ask) and he was well and we arranged to meet up properly on Sunday as he was with his brother and some mates so I sloped off to my crowd and left relatively sensibly….
Sunday comes I get up, go round to a friends for breakfast we pop over to his godfathers to deliver a machine to him that I repaired and then we get back about 4 and I hit the pub well…. Next thing I know its Monday I can hardly see stand or breathe and it feels like there is a french brass band and a roadside work crew in my head all competing fro space and volume……
What a weekend…..
This weekend should be fun I have tickets to the Launch night of Blood Relative at the paintworks in Bristol but me being me I have no –one to go with so it’s a case of go alone or ask that question…..

Sunday, 25 March 2007

Well Sunday afternoon and what to do

I have a whole list of things I need to get on with today and I cant get motivated to start any of it ;( It's not that I don't want to do them its just it's a lovely day and and I have the the sun shining in through the office window music blaring off the other computer and well its just too nice to work so far I have spent the morning visiting Michele's and commenting on fellow Blogger's sites and tonight I am going round a friends house for Stirfry and a DVD so I really need to do something before then lol ;)


 

Myspace is down for refurb (minor changes apparently ) so I am surfing randomly until I can get back in as I have some changes of my own to make as I have just added more images


 

Oooo I really am randoming today

Saturday, 24 March 2007

Well, Where have I been ?

I haven't blogged in nearly six days and where have I been you ask ?

Well It's been an interesting week really ;)

Mostly work but its been fun ;)

I went to see a psychiatrist on Monday for an evaulation as a part of my ongoing "issues" It went well, I told him a lot and it was mentally draining I actually told him things I have never uttered to another human being before.... Which in a way was a form of release. I cried which I have come to learn is a necessary form of emotional release and It ended. He said he needed to see me again and I had the appointment through this morning for the 17th of april. The one thing I was nt expecting was it really did knock me for six I went back to work afterwards and I felt dull and tired and drained. I had a job I really needed todo so it was a necessity but I really wanted to crawl into a dark corner and sleep and I am glad I didn't ;)

Tuesday and wednesday where generally plain days work work work and then thursday I was on our local radio station promoting a seminar/presentation I am doing on wednesday for parents about Internet Safety trying to pull back some of the damage the media have caused over hyping the dangers of the internet. The radio show was interesting in the fact that we had been told that we would meet the producer talk about our subject matter and then go on air where as in reality what actually happened was that we walked in where directed to the sit in front of the presenter and we went live, lets just say I was nervous if I can find it on the net I may post it lol....

Friday was another manic day of work and then I went to a black tie dinner for our local Community Repsonders which was nice because I like getting dressed up every now and again ;) maybe Ill post a picture...

I got an email from an artist I really like Nancy Farmer inviting me to an invitation only exhibition she is doing down in bristol next month yesterday so I accepted and a ticket is on its way which has kinda made my day ;) so for now I think thats it if I remeber anything else Ill be in touch ;)

Sunday, 18 March 2007

Looking up ;)

Well hello

I hope your all having a good weekend ;)

Mines actually not going to badly really, I have a few things to look forward to at the moment I am going to Paris in June to see a band ;) I have finally booked another session with my tattooist to get my arm finished (I have loaded new pictures) and I am going to see a locum Psychiatrist tomorrow to be evaluated ;) So things are coming together.

JLP made comment on my last post and yes I think he is right me and "you" are just friends something I will have to come to terms with but she is somebody I am glad to have as a friend so its not all bad ;)

I put out an Olive branch with my mum and sent her some smellies for mother's day which is a start in reparations of that relationship so things really are looking up ;)

Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow and you all have a good week ;)

Saturday, 17 March 2007

Happy Weekend Everyone

Happy Weekend Everyone ;)


 

Well Thursday, I went round to "you's" house on Thursday night to look at her broadband and camera and a few other things. I got a text 20 minutes or so before I was due to go round to "bring wine" So I duly turned up with 3 bottles of White Zinfandel and enough cigarettes to cover the evening…..

We chatted cracked open the wine I went upstairs to look at the broadband to which I had to rewire a phone socket rendering the one in her brothers room useless as she had mangled it with a screwdriver or some other implement lol

She went downstairs to phone her friend as she was bored and when then came back up to ask if I was hungry ;)

We chatted and drank wine in the kitchen while she cooked chicken and pine nut stir fry which was nice and then when the food was ready we ate and watched the mighty boosh, which I enjoyed ;)

We had a long chat about a variety of things and the date she was going on last night (Friday) we never spoke about anything that could of remotely been seen as being 'us' and if I am honest with myself in the light of day there is no us…..

I really like her company, I really like to talk to her we have some brilliant conversations, she is funny and she makes me laugh, she is beautiful, no she is stunning and I don't know why I cant tell her this but I cant and this will be my downfall but I will hold this within and it will only be shared with you….

I have had some good days this week and some bad days and it's hard to tell how a day is going to start off or end but things are looking up ;)

I am going to see a locum Psychiatrist on Monday for an evaluation so that should be good

Wish me Luck

Thursday, 15 March 2007

Well the week is not so much weird as unusual

Hey Bloggers

Well what a day I had yesterday ;), Im really busy with work at the moment which is good;) Loads of different things going on ;)

I was kinda supposed to go round to "you's" house on Wednesday night but she text me Wednesday to say her father was in port close by so she was going to eat with him and I went the pub with a friend and had a couple of beers instead ;)

Yesterday though I am stood outside of one of the shops and my ex "L" walks towards me and actually says hello (first time I have seen her in over a year – so it was a little weird, we do live in the same town ) she was with her new baby (7 weeks old) which was slightly uncomfortable at first as the baby is "J's" the guy she left me for but she is called Grace, she is really cute and I am happy for "L" that she has finally find someone who is giving her the happiness she deserves ;) We had a long chat and talked about loads of things at it was kind of closure in a way

Since I started writing this "you" has been in touch and I am going round to install a phone port for her and look at her Ipod and install her digital camera software which is nice ;)

Im due to appear on our local radio station on the 22nd March at 11am which is gonna be interesting because I know the subject matter but I'm not entirely sure what I am going to be talking about yet ;)

Oh people Im confused I have an hour before I am due to go there and I have butterflies in my stomach whats wrong with me ;)

Anywho more soon I hope ;)