Hey I'm back again,
I dunno depression is an absolute arse I tell ya one day your up another your down there is now way of knowing how long your gonna be up for when your gonna come back down whether your gonna come back up, It has to be far and away the most annoying illness I have ever had the misfortune to have...
You see there I said it illness, thats another thing that annoys me about this illness so many people ignore it or pretend its ok or assume jus because you got some medication and you have a good day its all good now. Well no its not yes i have the odd good day and some days I feel better than others but Im not cured far from it i have only just really owned up to the fact to how ill I am when will YOU start....
I think there are more things wrong with me that lead to or from the depression...
I think Im impotent
I have one testicle (I had the other removed, cancer scare)
I have anger issues
I have intimacy issues
The list goes on....
What really frustrates me sometimes is I feel good enough to go on and take that next step then not a short skip, step down the line and Im cowering under a pillow again pretending me and the world don't exist.
Books on Buddhism, self motivation, self hypnosis, paganism, positive thinking, path working and the myth that is Judaea Christianity and none of it seems to help.
I met a fellow depressive a week ago last Saturday its the first female I have felt comfortable with in a while she dragged me off to the garden of the jazz bar we where in and asked about me.... Yes folks you read that correctly I finally thought I had found somebody I clicked with not somebody who was gonna mess with my head we talked I listened she listened then it just came out I said "can I kiss you" (I know don't ask I don't know) and she said " I have a boyfriend" well you know what I say lucky him she had the sexiest voice I have heard in a long time, really gorgeous eyes and she was intelligent, I think I insulted her cus i asked her if she would hold me when we got back out friends house and she said "if you where my girlfriend and you knew that was going on you wouldn't be happy" so fair point but she was awesome and you know what the next day (ok over e-mail) I told her.....
I haven't heard from her since we kinda destroyed my buoyancy and a whole chunk o' my confidence but hey its a step in my on going evolution
Ok things to check out im not linking you all have google and I have no motivation at the mo'
Our new venture www.collective-art.com
Zeitgeist the Movie
And go be nice to some one i dunno' why just go by nice to some one and send me a penny in paypal I dunno why it just seems like a good idea