Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Been a while


Women do my god damn head in ;( I don't knwo why I do it.....

I am going to delete her MSN and block her every f@:"£$g time I speak to "b" lately it frustrates me the cheeky Mare. I Msned her today to tell her I had signed up for The NDCS expidition to the North Pole they are full for next year but I am on the waiting list. That's another goal on the life plan signed up for and I told her that a girl I briefly had a thing ish kinda one date and we kissed no where near enough if you ask me has been in touch her name is "C" I had a real thing for "C" (yes I know another ??) but with "C" it was slightly different in as much as I was kinda dating her and the girl "S" I went onto propose to we were briefly engaged and I finished the relationship when I realised I was with her for the company not for her which I have never told her and probably should have. I also should have stayed with "C" as she really did it for me and in a way I have realised writing this "R" reminds me so much of "C" so there is a pattern to the women I fall for. Where am I going with this well.

"B" never liked "C" cus she was jealous (her words, she told me ) and I told "B" "C" had been in touch purely because I was chuffed she had been in touch and I told her I had been put on the waiting list for north pole well because she had told me I ought to do something....

Then she tells me she has a confession to which I responded if it's "S's" brother I'll point and laugh as she had told me her sister "A" had been trying to set her and "M" up and she responded 'Do as you wish' oooh sore spot

Well I told her I'm happy for her and asked her now she has her hands full with men and things have moved on can we meet up for a drink to properly catch up to which she replied 'when your over me maybe'

Now this royally pissed me off....

you wanna no why, well im gonna tell you anyway

I have given this thought and although I do care for "B" in a very deep way I have tryed to imagine us together not just together but intimate and you know what I can't do it, no I really cant I just cant imagine it and believe me if you knew me I have a very active and colourful imagination and yes I know I have gone through a whole torrent of emotions on here for "B" but I have come to realise that I think of her in a very loving and deep way and I truly believe I do love her but not in that way. I dont want to have sex with her and cant imagine it and for me that kinda puts the end to any long term ideas so thats it cold calulated and ended she on the other hand little miss bloody ego over there thinks I still have a thing for her well no I care for her and am jealous of men in her life but only the same as I am jealous of my sister "L's" new boyfriend who is 2 years older than me because I want to protect them.

Yes I had confused a deeper love with a lust or another form of love and maybe I should be telling "B" well NO

If she wants to know whats going on she'll have to read my bloody blog

An if "C" ever reads this I'm single

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