Ok first off update
Thanks for all the comments via the "B" situation I really can't get my head round her she did tell me the man her bed had gone to bed in a mood because she wouldn't (her words) f**k him if that's making things any clearer (not in my head) I dunno she's sposed to be a friend she s sposed to be a lot of things but the deeper I get the more confused I get her telling me the things she does sometimes just muddies the water….
I should tell you all I have recently given her the address to this Blog and I think she will have worked out who she is ;) and in a way it's a relief because I can't always tell her how I feel even though I would like to ;) well I have been to see my shrink today which was interesting in the fact that I came away crying (again) and he has suggested certain routes for me to take :-
- No more drink (ever)
- A course of therapy one to one social interaction and confidence therapy to develop social skills
- A course of medication to help with my mental imbalance
I told him how Lonely I have been feeling and about the drink (I was really, really drunk on Saturday (one bottle of Jack to myself)) and mentioned the "B" situation and well I came away feeling drained and really stressed and tired but I feel better because there is some kind of road ahead…
I really want to ask her if we can go out for some food just to sit down and chat and so I can try and rebuild a circle of friends but I don't trust myself to not want more from the relationship before all this emotion out in the open business I just enjoyed being her friend and it was what it was now I just don't know I feel like she is uncomfortable around me and there is always some ulterior motive….
I mean when I said
"you only ever talk to mean when your lonely bored or at work"
"that's B*ll**ks cus I have a man in my bed"
(yeah im repeating myself)
But why I ask you…..
I have a very active imagination everyone who knows me knows this an it just, well I don't really understand my emotions. But I think it hurt ?
So in conclusion… As of today I am dry, I will need some help along this path people cus I have had 11 months off before but I have been drinking in probably what most would call excess now for 13 years and I do do most things to excess for no apparent reason other than to show that I can some form of attention seeking I think, I have come to some understanding today as to the reason I am the way I am and I am going to move towards changing this but it will be a long and arduos road and I hope you will all stick with me and help me along the way….