Sunday, 28 January 2007

Oooohh ahhh how are we Doin ?

I have had an interesting weekend all round I have read some interesting research work I have watched some films I have relaxed and I worked hard and I am actually looking forward to Monday ;) Which I haven't done in a long time.....

"You" Informed this weekend she has 'pulled' a rugby player 26 semi professional hot wel built and earning well so that is that chapter over and done with for now.....

I am looking at it in a positive light the whole thing never really took off and it wasn't sure where it was going so maybe it is nature taking its own sweet course who knows and who dares to question why....?

Well actually ME !

She did inform me that she would be bringing my books round this weekend and hasn't shown up and she took great pleasure in telling me abou the rugb y player in front of my friend who said he personally thought it stunk of her trying to make me jealous.....

Ah we shall see after finishing this I think I shall send a text or Two.....

Oh and don't forget if your a member of Myspace pop over even if you don't add me say hello I am researching the whole social networking phenomenon at the moment Blogging Bebo Frapper Flickr MSN just to name a few and I am interested to see who is involved


Saturday, 27 January 2007

Well what a week

This week has been interesting if not for the fact that I have not seen it go! It has just trail blazed past me and its saturday night again before I realise it we are well into 2007 and December is 10 months away.....

Well the year is looking up as expected and I am happy at what it is likely to bring and what I am going to achieve I am over the moon at the friends I have made along the way ;)

My love life, well what there is of it is as complicated as ever and I don't think I help myself out there but hey it adds to the rollercoaster that is my life ;)

I need to spend more time with my family and tell them I love them and appreciate them more than I do but I'm sure I will work on that more this year than I have ever done because I really do feel that I have learnt from past mistakes ;)

Friday, 26 January 2007

Whoooa time delay...... (no not really jus no Internet)

Well I've been away for 5 days its been like losing an arm ;( I haven't had Internet access for five days other than in the office an I have just been to busy to blog....

No you say too busy to blog, !

I wouldn't have believed it either unless I had just been through it myself but I am back again now.....

I should note busy is good really good I love the thrive and energy that being busy brings me I have missed pouring my mind out on my blog though an I am gonna try an catch up with the week ;)

I have started reading a really good book (in my opinion of course) Sabriel by Garth Nix a bit of sci-fi ish fantasy to take the mind away I find never hurts ;)

I havent had as much contact from "you" or "B" this week but there has been some, actually I text "B" three times yesterday and have yet to receive a response I had a text conversation with "You" last night about some books she has borrowed from me and she has offered to return them some time this weekend which is good because I need one of them for some research I am doing at the moment ;)

I am feeling a lot more positive about the state of my love life (or lack of it lol) of late and am a lot happier taking things easier and letting be what will be but putting the effort in, in all the right places without coming across as needy. Which is very much how I was coming across before......

I have been enjoying the weather over here in blighty the past couple of days, don't get me wrong its been cold....... an I mean brrrrrr cold but the sun has been shining and its been glorious, its muggy and drizzling today but I will not let it take the edge off my mood ;)

So I'm off to visit some blog friends and say Hello to Michele now I may be back later ;)

Sunday, 21 January 2007

Is it too late for a new years resolution?

I think I need to start taking my own advice and Listening to others ;)

Texting, email, ringing after having a drink is BAD.....

I havent had repurcussions yet and I might not even get them but maybe I could have handled the situation better ????

I do think though after listening to some of you guys awesome advice and thinking about things in a more sensible frame of mind I have come to some conclusions

1) I have been in love with "B" and I do love her but I don't think at this moment in time I am in love with her

2) I am lonely and need to make sure I dont make a decsision purely because of that

3) I have made some great friends via Blogger and they have given me some awesome advice ;)

Thank you all

This is probably not the right tact but I've had a drink an emailed "B" this

I stepped up behind you in the club knowingly aware that you hadn’t seen me, placing both my hand around your waist I embraced you cupping your body in mine I leant forward to allow you to feel my breath on your neck my heart beat against your back…..

Startled but aware that the presence is a welcome one you lean into me I kiss your neck lightly but with a force of promise of events to come I sway with the music our bodies become one with the beat I trace your neck shoulders and back with my lips and tongue lightly yet with presence to alight the nerve endings yet tease and suggest….

My fingertips find flesh under cloth unseen by roaming eyes I trace the contours of your silhouette in my mind and by touch abating the urge the need building in the moment knowing the culmination will out way the crescendo of the persistence of the moment

Friday, 19 January 2007

tired ;( It's been a long week

Ok people, as stated above I'm tired, I found out why "B" was suffering from anxiety we had a long, long chat and got a few things out in the open ;)

She has been subscribed some medication which I am a little wary about as she has quite an addictive personality but she assures me as stated by her doc that she is only taking them when she has need so thats re assuring ;)

I am a little more settled in the whole thing and have decided that I/we need to take time to get to know each other again before we can move anywhere never mind into a relationship and that feels right...

because with the right amount of effort and consideration if its meant to be and we both want it for the right reasons what is meant to be will be ;)

I haven't discounted my feelings for "you" completely but am certainly coming to terms with the fact that maybe on that part I was more enjoying the attention than interested in long term commitment from "you"

Although I should state she is a wonderful human being, very intelligent aware and worth a measure of anyones company time or effort but for all the right reasons I just don't think we are right for one another....

On a return to the last post I am still interested to hear how many of you all have myspace accounts and the reasons why if you are willing to share ;) please comment on that post as well as saying hello here ;)

Remember no lurking ;)

Thursday, 18 January 2007

Questions for a change ;)

Hey everyone I have a question ;)

I am currently researching social networking and its positive influence on tweens, teens and young adults. You know myspace, bebo, faceparty etc.....

An I was wondering how many bloggers had a Myspace Account I have one I have created one to build a hands on knowledge of the community and how it works and was wondering how many of you guys also used it?

I see blogger or blogging as an extension of the social networking community if portrayed and used with a slightly different persona....

I was sitting here reading some of my research and thought I'd ask

I'm gonna add my myspace profile to my links any of you guys wanna go look feel free ;)

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

One bump in the road after another but I think I can finally see the straight road looming

I have had some really thoughtful and well thought comments over the past day or two ;)

All those involved know who they are and the help they have given me and I openly thank them again here and now ;)

Well where are we on the Me "B", "You" developments ?

"B" has been in touch via text message tonight to ask me what tablets the doctor put me on when I was having my anxiety attacks, to which I replied none! I saw a therapist and flatly refused any kind of chemicals. I asked her why ? (All via text I should add) and she said because the doctor had prescribed her some pills.......

I asked her if she wanted to chat and have since had no contact ;(

I didn't know she was suffering in this way she made no hint towards it when we had our numerous lengthy conversations I am at a loss as to how it didn't come up but I know she has issues of trust due to a prior relationship with an abusive (Mentally & physically) partner but we have talked about everything I know some things are very personal but why tell me when the she has been the Doc's an he has prescribed medication why not talk to me about it before ?

I need to have a long hard think about things I really do, things on the whole.......

I have been asked do I know what I really want and the question I have to ask myself now is do I?

I haven't heard from "You" since last night but through a flurry of texts I think I managed to be quite over presumptuos and generally Piss her off but we shall see ;(

On the whole I need to think back off and decide what I want ?

Thank you all

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

I have made some ace friends via Blogging and via Michele's Thank you all

I had a very well thought out post and one I would like to comment on ;)

I think you think too much. - You are so right I just wish I could stop or at least not hang on it too much because when you sit there and think you never think straight you more often than not go off in a tangent that leads to some weird and wonderful place

Just get out of your own way. I can tell you from my own experience as well as that of others, if one tries to hard to hold on to someone - often the opposite occurs. - Yes I think this happened last time, in fact I am sure of it?

If this is meant to be, it will. It you make it be, it might not - even it it was otherwise meant to be. - I have to let go and let what will be will be really don't I destiny and Karma have a huge part to play and I am a participant not a player

So here's the $64,000 question: Do you have the faith necessary to see this through - no matter what the outcome? - I never used to think I did but of late with some inner searching I have been doing and the mental pouring out I have been doing on here I think I am developing an inner strength I never used to have.

Can you accept that what is supposed to happen will and that any help on your part could be counterproductive? - No, but I am going to have to say Yes!

Does knowing this help give you the patience you sound like you know you need? - It will definately give me a pause for thought.......

Only you know the answers. Hope this helps. - Yes, it does, alot ;)

BTW: Jealousy springs from fear - What are you afraid of? - I think I am afraid of losing her, but its hard to tell ;)

OH! I almost forgot - alcohol does not help in relationship building - it just doesn't. - You are so right, It has been my downfall on numerous occasions ;)

I want to thank Mr Althouse for the sound advice given here and for allowing me to answer his questions.......

I do appreciate and really hope he doesnt mind the manner in which I have opened up here, but for me I think it helps, as he hit the nail on the head a couple of times;)

Monday, 15 January 2007

It should just be or work it shouldnt take all this effort

I have had a thought ok with "B" I can talk for hours on the phone I can talk to her about anything and I care about her and I get Jealous when she tells me about her Shenannigans (not all of them just some) ....

I know Jealousy is not good she is the only female I ever see that emotion for 11 Years this has been going on remember and I never got Jealous over othe r partners....

I worry about her.....

But I don't know.......

I think about "You" as much if not more but in a different way I can talk to her as well but we have some of those push each others opinions conversations.....

The thing is about "you" she mentally pushes me...... ;)

Where as "B" knows me, we apparently know each other.....

I know I need to take me time.....

Somebody sprinkle me with the patience dust please ;)

*note I should add Blond Girl was highly responsible for this post as well as many other commenteers and I would like to thank you all greatly for your comments*

Sunday, 14 January 2007

Can't decide whats going on ?

I really can't decide what to do or where my head is at when it comes to my love life or what is passing for my love life

I sent "B" a text with no reply and currently have "You" on MSN I don't know what I want, I don't think?

I know I want Someone I can talk to, somone I can be with, somone I can share with ;)

I have edited this post to try and clarify a few things ;)

Good Morning ;) I think ;o

Good Morning Blog, Good Morning fellow Commenteers from Michele's

This is only a quick post as brunch is being cooked for me I have just been informed by text message and leaving food alone would be rude, it just would.....

I had some really well thought comments after my last post and intend to have a re-read when the morning fog has lifted later.

The thing I really can't understand is why did she text me late on in the evening to tell me this

"Great night, how about you???"

That was the first text.....????

Answers on a postcard (or what would probably be a better idea would be in a comment ;))

Good Evening, morning ,Hello world, how do you address the blogosphere?

hey people ;)

I have had another drink fuelled evening ;) "B" made first contact tonight ;0) which was good although she is not with me or wasnt with me then I think that is a good sign I was having a meeting with my business partner !

Drink fuelled of course, but we have come up with a awesome product our best work is generally drink fuelled its remembering it afterwards but on this occasion I have a cigarette packet :)

I have missed bloggin today but it has been a hectic day I didn't get to sleep til nearly seven then was up at 9:15 and turned into work til 18:45 came home fed the kids (my cats, before anyone calls the NSPCC) and then went out to meet my business partner for some food ;)

At some point during the evening we turned a pre pubescent project into a monster which we are now both fevered about which is good because we need a break and in as anyone deserves a break so do we !

What I would really like now is for my love life to take on some kind of normailty so I can concentrate on work without too much distraction ( I am not foolish enough to think it wont cause distraction but everyone needs distraction :) don't they ? )

Can somebody please tell "B" I am in love with her and always have been and I don't want anyone but her and am not willing to sleep around to prove its her I want cus I don't seem to be able to get that across !

Saturday, 13 January 2007

Its early late, I suppose it depends where you are in this blogosphere

Well I didn't realise last week was de-lurking week, not that I do a lot of lurking but It would of been a damn fine excuse to hyper comment ;) lol

I cant decide on what to do with what is can only be described as my ill-fated Love life ;(

It's not getting me down as much as I thought it would it's more amusing me than anything which I also can't quite get my head around....

I have been hanging around at Michele's tonight reading commenting etc I recommend t to everyone its really addictive when you get into it....

I think I'm just babbling now I've been reading alot of work by Danah Boyd I am not going to explain too much because I think her work is a worthy read for everyone in the blogosphere an you should scoot over and have a look at what she has to say.....

Go on........

No I mean it go an have a read it really is interesting ;)

Friday, 12 January 2007

Don't blog, text or call under the influence ;)

Hey everyone ;)

Yes I had to have a longer shower than normal this morning I was slightly tired and maybe slightly hungover ;) I smoked again last night ( I had quit but not publicised the fact because I know my will power is abysmal )

So I text "B" last night to my detriment and I think by talking to "You" on MSN about "B" I well and truly destroyed my chances with "You".....

The last message I got off "B" last night was 'I'm glad we got stuff sorted out this week ;)' which is very open ended but using my own special brand of paranoia I have over thought every thing and not contacted ehr and I need to relax and let it run its course.....

It was her idea for me to get my feelings out of Pandora's box, you know the little black one at the back of your head that you bury everything that you wanna forget or is too painful to deal with or you just don't want to deal with......

So I got them out on show and left them there but then I couldnt stop thinking about them and I over thought and in turn over complicated the issues and oh bugger and rampant turnips why couldn't I just relax!

Well I need a bloody cigarette now and I don't think I should have one but I am without a doubt single !

bugger, drink is bad

I have had a drink, first time in a few days....

made the mistake of textin "B" after havin a drink it didnt go to plan lol....

Especially as last night I told "You" about "B" and she suggested I go for it with "B" lol

I would love to be able to work out what is going on!

I'm going to bed !

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Well thought advice ;)

Well firstly thank you to everyone for the comments and well thought advice ;)

I would like to say although I can see it all makes sense I can't guarantee I will follow it as after all I am male but this isnt to say that I havent paid it very good attention and taken it all in !

The real confusing thing right now is I am talking to "you" and I have issues now because although I thought I had feelings for "you" was it just lust because "B" has waltzed back in to the equation and I am not half as interested in "You" I don't know or understand it can't be a passing phase I really felt those feelings but the minute "B" appears back on the scene I drop "you" like a hot potato, well not drop exactly but lets say "you" definatley is'nt getting the attention "you" deserves.....

"B" has me confused because she is quite obviously Jealous of "You" yet we have nt concreted out whats going on and I think I need to follow the advice of my commenteers and take each day as it comes.......

I currently have "you" on MSN and "B" texting me , yes most men would be ecstatic......

My head hurts ;)

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

Where is forward an who has the compass to this minefield

Whoa hold up....

" Emotional minefield ahead "

Why is there not a sign that says that somewhere when you get into anything that may or may nto involve feelings, relationships or anything other than just friends!

Now I'm not complaining at all, its just I can complicate things in my head in my own special way and don't need help doing so ;)

(for even the slightest inkling of what I'm blabbering about see previous posts)

So we had spoken all through the night on the phone she had gone straight to work, I had managed to squeeze in two hours sleep and we had got to the end of the day both with varying degrees of success ;)

A good friend of hers at work had noticed something was amiss she (from here on in B) had told her about our all night phone conversation (which i'm not sure didn't irk me but for what reason I am lost to other than I would have liked her to talk to me but understandably B needed an objective viewpoint ) The friend had some very positive things to say and some objective points to put across which got B to thinking well if we have had these feelings for all this time (11 Years we only recently realised it was mutual but are now struggling to work out if they are still as strong or phantom remnants of passions for memories of each other) Then is it a good idea to pursue and why have nt we acted on it the friend seems to think there is a piece of the puzzle missing, we are both perplexed!

This obviously got B thinking I mean we are both tired long night ! I enjoyed it and it really did clear some air but after the talk with the friend it has us both thinking which I'm never sure is a good thing she is erring towards all or nothing to test its strength where as I know she has used this method in the past to put a cap on a situation that she wasn't sure was meant to be and after so long I am not sure I am willing to risk pushing it to a conclusion to see if that is the answer I want to know I so want to know but I also don't want to lose what little thread of her I have !

Is this even making sense ?

I haven't uttered these thought s to anyone some of them not even to her which makes me feel somewhat guilty but I need to read them to make sense of them because in my head they are purely chatter !

I think I want to say HELP

Is she here to stay Sorry this is a bit risque compared to the norm ;) *blush*

Ok as stated in my previous blog I had an all night conversation with an old friend who I/we have exchanged knowledge that we have/had did/do still have some very deep feelings for each other we spent all night talking about pretty much everything.

We discussed the situation we/her/us decided that although the last time we discussed this it was a no go and would lead to nothing we/her/us had been rash in our decision as we both have very strong feelings for each other and what we should actually do is not bury the feelings away in a black box (akin to pandora's, long story if anyone wants to know I will tell them) but leave them out in the open and shoud the situation arise, make itself obvious or there be a need act upon those emotions but all in all be honest with each other, totally honest which we are actually she is one of few people if not the only person that I am totally honest with......

(erm well she doesn't know about NMI but it hasn't come up..... ;) )

Now if your confused don't worry about it I was at first I may still be I'm not entirely sure but we ended the conversation with her showering at me (don't ask, but im sure your not supposed to use the phone on hands free while your in the shower ;), I d didnt complain) An I wrote her some passages of text which although I may do at some time I can't at the moment because its before the watershed......

I'm not entirely sure where I stand or what's going on but even with two hours sleep I have been smiling all day ;)

Monday, 8 January 2007

Where's my head at?

Oh what the F ;o

I had a text message of a friend tonight (female) I openly admitted to having feelings for about three months or so ago and things got a little complicated when she said she had feelings back and then she wasn't sure an then we cried an then she decided we needed some space and we didnt talk for a while only occasionally via text (yes sometimes when I was intoxicated )

Then she rang and we talked and are still talking an its 6:26am She has to go to work and I am going to sleep ;)

I'll tell you more about this later

Sunday, 7 January 2007

Late night.... Happy and chilled

Its been a long and lazy sunday....

I have put some pictures up and had a quite relaxing sunday ;)

I am currently sitting listening to Russell Brand's show from last night

Just having an idle post not entirely sure what I'm posting here......

Kenju has just left a comment via Michele's and I would like to leave a public reply.....

Kenju it was no problem at all it rally was it was in fact a pleasure as it has made for quite an interesting talking point for a rather rainy sunday ;)

Something I have re-read a couple of times today and have been meaning to post on is a news article on a social networking site in Paris called Peuplade where people in the same neighbourhood get to know each other and this is of Interest to me as I have recently moved to an apartment well nearly 4 weeks ago now and I only know of 1 set of residents from what is at least 40 apartments and it is quite a compact complex yet no interaction hmmm

May have to work on this ?

Request from Kenju


In answer to multiple questions as to how did I remove the rain....


Newspaper good old sunday newspaper wiped on the outside of the window bit of vinegar on it also removes smears ;) he he lol


In a rather unusual request from Kenju the same picture minus the rain and believe me getting rid of the rain was no mean feat lol ;)

I don't know why the request amused me an I thought what the hell ;)

Chilling on a Sunday

Well I decided the only real way to enjoy a sunday was to chill out and relax ;)

Although the weather is a bit dull and dreary as you can see from the view out of my Study ;)
Its done nothing to dampen my mood which is good ;)
So Im off blog hopping Ill catch you all soon no doubt ;)

Good Morning World

It's Sunday my business partner rang me at 10:50am to tell me that there cooking breakfast at his and I just rang to inform him that I am on my way for breakfast but 10:50am does not constitute a lie in on a Sunday Morning ;)

So we have established that I still half asleep I should imagine that most of you guys have been up and fulfilling your day for hours....

Well I don't feel guilty and I wont.....

OK maybe a little ;)

I'm definitely feeling more positive today and it can only get clearer, hmm work or chill today?

Saturday, 6 January 2007

Nothing beats Friends

*Edit as I have added some images to a web gallery I moved the image from here*

I am at a blank......

I have started this post three times now Grrrr.....

What have I done today?

Well I had a meeting with a possible contact for the Business which could turn into quite a prosperous lead. She was attractive as well which always helps ;) thats not me being sexist I am complementing an intelligent well turned out sales woman......

Talking of which I haven't really tried to contact "you" for a day or two probably because of the Mental blip I might formulate an email...... Hmmm

I have quite an extensive tattoo which is currently a work in progress and over this past couple of weeks or so I have noticed that more and more people have commented in a positive way to my body art now I am not saying this is a complete shift in paradigms to the idea of body art but it is nice not to be reviled as some sort of outcast especially in the industry I work in that normally requires you to be suited and booted a good percentage of the time and after reading this article

on which there are actualy some quite short comments ;(

Is body art becoming more accepted or am I just moving in more circles that are involved with it and therefore seeing more of a cross cut of that side of life ?

I need to read ;) but what oh what ?

Saying that I am reading an interesting array of blogs of late ;)

Friday, 5 January 2007

Ok brief blip on the mental rollercoaster

Ok the past couple of days may have been a brief blip on the mental of life and don't get me wrong its far from over but as usual some very good friends have pulled me out of my dark spots and given me a damn good shake and pointed out that things are never as bad as they seem

So Hello World

Im not feeling so sorry for myself now


lets try 2007 again shall we ;)

A minor miss fire but it didnt derail anything so onward and upward

Thursday, 4 January 2007

Mental release

Ok Its been a dark & misty day I can't tell if the situatio has got any better as I can't hold my concentration for any length of time......

I'm Trying affirmations to help clear the "chatter" Todays is

"Whatever happens I'll handle it"

Courtesy of Susan Jeffers

As long as I keep repeating this it calms some of the storm perhaps I have let it get out of hand who knows ?

Nose dive into the Abyss

Well I didn't blog at all yesterday but I had a mental nose dive into a real dark place yesterday and just could nt bring myself to jot down any of my thoughts dark or cheery I couldn't focus on a single thought stream.......

Ok I'm better than I was yesterday but I still can't bring myself to have effluent joy for no reason......

I am just down there dark and misty no light and no perceptable way back, I know from experience I will come back either by dragging myself out or one of my friends will pull me out.....

I am currently out of bed and trying to work through it but its a fight and the mist is darker the it has been in a while......

Grrrr breakthrough.....

Why am I thinking of Freddy Mercury.........

Tuesday, 2 January 2007

Day 2 and is it a brave new world ?

Well I have had quite a busy day today not doing a lot of work that has created immediate results one of those days when you do little bits and bobs that amount to nothing entirely physical but you know it will prosper with time ;) So its all been good!

I have made a step to actually getting my office in some kind of order and usable ;)

Its still got a long way to go as has the apartment in general but its getting there ;)

I have been catching up with Russell brand's radio shows while I have been working today which has kind of been interesting because as of November last year he moved from BBC Radio 6 to BBC Radio 2 and although I have only listened to a couple of the shows thus far it just doesnt have the wit and bite that it seemed to on BBC Radio 6 almost as though they are being reserved. I'll have to listen to a few more and get back to you on that one.

I completely forgot that I met some new friends on New Years Eve I went over to Burton nee Swandlincote and met the following people Sacred Butterfly and Grove of Mercia friends of my business partner and really nice people that kind of made my day and I can't believe I forgot to mention it ;)

Anywho I going to eat now I may be back on later or even add to this for now I'm off.....

Monday, 1 January 2007

Welcome 2007 and Blessed Be One and All

Well people its 1:42 am in the uk Ive spent the night with a good friend who also happens to be my business partner and we have well and truly stamped our mark on 2007

This is our year when I say OUR I mean our year thats me him you all of us including you Minerva and every blogger that begins there cyber journey with us or through us or on there own path a cyber family we may be but a family we are !

Happy 2007 one and all

May the new year bring you all you wish for or may you wish for all the new year brings

Blessed Be