The Dark, Dark mist has descended again.... I just want it to go away please...

Its back, I don't know if there are triggers or presets or times of the month or what but the darkness is back and its holding on this time those thought's the unmentionables are back and they are forefront now I cant stop thinking that same set of thoughts......

And in summary it goes 'Why bother'

I really detest feeling this way and I want to be better it has me upset I have spent most of the morning trying not to cry I just feel at the end of my tether every way I turn is an up hill battle no end no remorse what have I done wrong why have I brought this upon myself

I'm sorry to bring your Mondays down to such a level but I need to get this out of my head and down....

I cant stop my emotions at the moment I burst into sobs uncontrollably and I am shaking and cold an i just want to curl up and for it all to go away why oh why does it have to be like this, this is without a doubt one of the darkest I have suffered so far....

I ostracised myself from my friends and family over the last 18 months to two years which probably doesn't help matters as I now have a very small circle of friends, don't get me wrong they are very supportive but I can be difficult and every dark at times I'm not exactly hug gable but sometimes all I want is a hug......

I do of course have my blogging friends and I have to say they have all been very very supportive I just don't seem to appreciate the bigger picture I can only see my small dark pond....

Oh God what a week

If it could go wrong this week it did !!

I have had some royally dark spells this week, mentally and physically and there have been some close calls.....

My Internet at home is limited again which is not leaving me able to blog as regularly as I would like which I don't think is helping....

I have started to be able to spot when I am struggling mentally of late as I can't gather my thoughts or string together strains of memory.....

My association / relationship with "B" and "You" is no clearer and when I have my dark spells this is not helping the situation but maybe that is half my own fault as well as a culmination of other issues.

My heaad is well and truly living up to the title of my blog at the moment in all its forms

Financially my life is falling apart I have money coming in but its always a day later than I need it which is an age old problem and a matter of my lack of financial organisation or lack of it

Well this is actually an update to a the above which I meant to post on saturday but it got banged into draft so here I am Sunday night 251am so Monday Morning really blogging "Ace"

I have just been over to Myspace poor showing people (but thanks to al that do add an say hello) and I was reminded I hadnt blogged by a blogging friend who I asked my how my week was and I said I would be blogging about it later well I havent.....

Or blogged about my weekend....!

Where have I been ?

Well busy really working which is good but a boys gotta play an I am not doin enough of that I can tell you......

The question really is what has a man gotta do to find a woman to hold him yes ladies right now thats all I bloody well want (although admittedly that may not last the night out ) who has less issues than him ???

It doesnt seem like an unreasonable request but for the love of me.....

I am taking offers for companionship from all angles people ;)

What I look for is someone who I can talk to share time with and who I can laugh with I am hard to live with a workaholic and slightly eccentric on the other hand I am loving heartfelt and a deep down romantic.....

Yet it aint working what am I doing wrong ?

Thats me up there third from the left black top

Oh and I know I keep banging on a bout it but if you have a myspace go add me ;)

Oh God what a week

If it could go wrong this week it did !!

I have had some royally dark spells this week, mentally and physically and there have been some close calls.....

My Internet at home is limited again which is not leaving me able to blog as regularly as I would like which I don't think is helping....

I have started to be able to spot when I am struggling mentally of late as I can't gather my thoughts or string together strains of memory.....

My association / relationship with "B" and "You" is no clearer and when I have my dark spells this is not helping the situation but maybe that is half my own fault as well as a culmination of other issues.

My heaad is well and truly living up to the title of my blog at the moment in all its forms

Financially my life is falling apart I have money coming in but its always a day later than I need it which is an age old problem and a matter of my lack of financial organisation or lack of it

Well what a week

This week has been interesting if not for the fact that I have not seen it go! It has just trail blazed past me and its saturday night again before I realise it we are well into 2007 and December is 10 months away.....

Well the year is looking up as expected and I am happy at what it is likely to bring and what I am going to achieve I am over the moon at the friends I have made along the way ;)

My love life, well what there is of it is as complicated as ever and I don't think I help myself out there but hey it adds to the rollercoaster that is my life ;)

I need to spend more time with my family and tell them I love them and appreciate them more than I do but I'm sure I will work on that more this year than I have ever done because I really do feel that I have learnt from past mistakes ;)

I have made some ace friends via Blogging and via Michele's Thank you all

I had a very well thought out post and one I would like to comment on ;)

I think you think too much. - You are so right I just wish I could stop or at least not hang on it too much because when you sit there and think you never think straight you more often than not go off in a tangent that leads to some weird and wonderful place

Just get out of your own way. I can tell you from my own experience as well as that of others, if one tries to hard to hold on to someone - often the opposite occurs. - Yes I think this happened last time, in fact I am sure of it?

If this is meant to be, it will. It you make it be, it might not - even it it was otherwise meant to be. - I have to let go and let what will be will be really don't I destiny and Karma have a huge part to play and I am a participant not a player

So here's the $64,000 question: Do you have the faith necessary to see this through - no matter what the outcome? - I never used to think I did but of late with some inner searching I have been doing and the mental pouring out I have been doing on here I think I am developing an inner strength I never used to have.

Can you accept that what is supposed to happen will and that any help on your part could be counterproductive? - No, but I am going to have to say Yes!

Does knowing this help give you the patience you sound like you know you need? - It will definately give me a pause for thought.......

Only you know the answers. Hope this helps. - Yes, it does, alot ;)

BTW: Jealousy springs from fear - What are you afraid of? - I think I am afraid of losing her, but its hard to tell ;)

OH! I almost forgot - alcohol does not help in relationship building - it just doesn't. - You are so right, It has been my downfall on numerous occasions ;)

I want to thank Mr Althouse for the sound advice given here and for allowing me to answer his questions.......

I do appreciate and really hope he doesnt mind the manner in which I have opened up here, but for me I think it helps, as he hit the nail on the head a couple of times;)

It should just be or work it shouldnt take all this effort

I have had a thought ok with "B" I can talk for hours on the phone I can talk to her about anything and I care about her and I get Jealous when she tells me about her Shenannigans (not all of them just some) ....

I know Jealousy is not good she is the only female I ever see that emotion for 11 Years this has been going on remember and I never got Jealous over othe r partners....

I worry about her.....

But I don't know.......

I think about "You" as much if not more but in a different way I can talk to her as well but we have some of those push each others opinions conversations.....

The thing is about "you" she mentally pushes me...... ;)

Where as "B" knows me, we apparently know each other.....

I know I need to take me time.....

Somebody sprinkle me with the patience dust please ;)

*note I should add Blond Girl was highly responsible for this post as well as many other commenteers and I would like to thank you all greatly for your comments*

Can't decide whats going on ?

I really can't decide what to do or where my head is at when it comes to my love life or what is passing for my love life

I sent "B" a text with no reply and currently have "You" on MSN I don't know what I want, I don't think?


I know I want Someone I can talk to, somone I can be with, somone I can share with ;)

I have edited this post to try and clarify a few things ;)

Good Evening, morning ,Hello world, how do you address the blogosphere?

hey people ;)

I have had another drink fuelled evening ;) "B" made first contact tonight ;0) which was good although she is not with me or wasnt with me then I think that is a good sign I was having a meeting with my business partner !

Drink fuelled of course, but we have come up with a awesome product our best work is generally drink fuelled its remembering it afterwards but on this occasion I have a cigarette packet :)

I have missed bloggin today but it has been a hectic day I didn't get to sleep til nearly seven then was up at 9:15 and turned into work til 18:45 came home fed the kids (my cats, before anyone calls the NSPCC) and then went out to meet my business partner for some food ;)

At some point during the evening we turned a pre pubescent project into a monster which we are now both fevered about which is good because we need a break and in as anyone deserves a break so do we !

What I would really like now is for my love life to take on some kind of normailty so I can concentrate on work without too much distraction ( I am not foolish enough to think it wont cause distraction but everyone needs distraction :) don't they ? )

Can somebody please tell "B" I am in love with her and always have been and I don't want anyone but her and am not willing to sleep around to prove its her I want cus I don't seem to be able to get that across !

Its early late, I suppose it depends where you are in this blogosphere

Well I didn't realise last week was de-lurking week, not that I do a lot of lurking but It would of been a damn fine excuse to hyper comment ;) lol

I cant decide on what to do with what is can only be described as my ill-fated Love life ;(

It's not getting me down as much as I thought it would it's more amusing me than anything which I also can't quite get my head around....

I have been hanging around at Michele's tonight reading commenting etc I recommend t to everyone its really addictive when you get into it....

I think I'm just babbling now I've been reading alot of work by Danah Boyd I am not going to explain too much because I think her work is a worthy read for everyone in the blogosphere an you should scoot over and have a look at what she has to say.....

Go on........



No I mean it go an have a read it really is interesting ;)

Ok brief blip on the mental rollercoaster

Ok the past couple of days may have been a brief blip on the mental of life and don't get me wrong its far from over but as usual some very good friends have pulled me out of my dark spots and given me a damn good shake and pointed out that things are never as bad as they seem

So Hello World

Im not feeling so sorry for myself now

:)

lets try 2007 again shall we ;)

A minor miss fire but it didnt derail anything so onward and upward

Nose dive into the Abyss

Well I didn't blog at all yesterday but I had a mental nose dive into a real dark place yesterday and just could nt bring myself to jot down any of my thoughts dark or cheery I couldn't focus on a single thought stream.......

Ok I'm better than I was yesterday but I still can't bring myself to have effluent joy for no reason......

I am just down there dark and misty no light and no perceptable way back, I know from experience I will come back either by dragging myself out or one of my friends will pull me out.....

I am currently out of bed and trying to work through it but its a fight and the mist is darker the it has been in a while......


Grrrr breakthrough.....


Why am I thinking of Freddy Mercury.........

OK Its building to a frenzy

I'm backing myself into a corner again ;( It's all going to either end in tears or I will sort it last minute ;) Why do I always do this to myself ?

No I have no idea either?

Oh well ;)

I have actually had a good night I had a friend round tonight, I cooked for us both we consumed two bottles of red then went to the pub and I have just got in ;) Very good night indeed ;) I understand that I am just postponing the inevitable but time is a great healer lol so we shall see!

Anyone reading the whole blog will note that I am missing "you" heavily and can't contact her which isn't good but I'm sure i will cope somehow ?

The real humour (dark as it is, is that "you" doesnt know I exist :( )

Its christmas eve I am working in a few hours an my plans are bleak ;) but one way or another we will prevail ;)

I had a conversation with my Father today where I told him I wouldn't be dining with him and my mother for christmas day (they are divorced, long story) but he didn't seem to take it to well and I asked him to go and enjoy himself for me but he seemed not too convinced by my reasoning and wants but we shall see?