Its back, I don't know if there are triggers or presets or times of the month or what but the darkness is back and its holding on this time those thought's the unmentionables are back and they are forefront now I cant stop thinking that same set of thoughts......
And in summary it goes 'Why bother'
I really detest feeling this way and I want to be better it has me upset I have spent most of the morning trying not to cry I just feel at the end of my tether every way I turn is an up hill battle no end no remorse what have I done wrong why have I brought this upon myself
I'm sorry to bring your Mondays down to such a level but I need to get this out of my head and down....
I cant stop my emotions at the moment I burst into sobs uncontrollably and I am shaking and cold an i just want to curl up and for it all to go away why oh why does it have to be like this, this is without a doubt one of the darkest I have suffered so far....
I ostracised myself from my friends and family over the last 18 months to two years which probably doesn't help matters as I now have a very small circle of friends, don't get me wrong they are very supportive but I can be difficult and every dark at times I'm not exactly hug gable but sometimes all I want is a hug......
I do of course have my blogging friends and I have to say they have all been very very supportive I just don't seem to appreciate the bigger picture I can only see my small dark pond....
1 comment:
I wish I knew what to say, I have suffered as you are for most of my life, I always blamed what was going on around me for my misery I have Journals going back to age 11 which are painful to read now due to how deeply I was down in my own well of pain. When my ex moved out & I was at my darkest I found ways out of it. I don't want to come across as touting any miracle drug or anything but I started taking St. Johnswort & it helped, I also started reading some self help books, some were pap, some were too in depth, but some helped immensely, mostly what worked for me (in conjunction with the St Johns)was affrimations, just putting one thought out there, which ever one works best at the time, in my case 'help me to be at peace with my life' & 'I trust in the universe that everything is unfolding as it is supposed to' among others which, over the years have been more focused on certain situations in play at certain times. Has helped a lot. I also like the idea, though it took a lot to get my head around it, that I don't HAVE to give negative, depressing thoughts space in my mind, which is where the affrimations worked for me, when I would get bogged down in depressing thoughts I made a concious effort to replace those thoughts with whatever more positive thoughts worked best for the situation.
Keep writing too, getting it all out, publicly or privately is so good for you too.
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