Well Thats a suprise

Hello everyone ;)

I made comemnt in my last post how I had laid myself in the hands of the NHS well they have suprised the hell out of me I had a letter yesterday informing me that I have an appointment at my local mental health institute with a locum I am not exactly sure what will come of it but its a start or a heading in the right direction I think and I have to say it was a great weight off my shoulders to finally feel like I am being taken seriously or that I am gettinig some help in dealing with my issues ;)

Yesterday was interesting in the fact that I got a lot more done than I expected even though I thought I had lost my trusty Palm (c) Tungsten T3 which I don't think I have mentioned before but I have come to rely on it of late to keep me as organised as possible, well as organised as it is possible to keep me ??

Any where I was slightly upset to say the least at the loss of my trusty little organiser not just for the fact that I would have to rely on one of my laptops but also because I was finally making headway with Soduko......

But I was literally sitting there thinking "come on where did you have it last" (a whole different story I can tell you no chance of remembering that ) An I thought I hadn't tried my dressing gown low an behold there it was in the right hand pocket....

Well the level of relief was such that I actually kissed it (I'm serious)

We are reunited now me and "The Guide" an I have promised to take better care of it ;)

Any way I think thats it for now but if I remember anything else I'll be back later ;)

Ok lets change the subject ;)

Well whats happened this weekend I worked til late on friday and then went to the pub and had a few beers, I saw "You" out with some random she was on a date and although I have no right to be pissed off I really was and am

I worked til late again last night and we met up with one of the guys who has been doing some part time work with us "G" until he landed a job in conjuction with his politics Degree. Well "G" landed said job and flies out to brussels on tuesday so we had arranged to have a couple of beers with george to wish him the best and "you" came in cus she knows "G"'s brother well and they were off to the local late jazz bar and we chatted and I got chatting to "you" and we laughed about the fact that she was covered in red food colouring (She is a creative hurricane, but thats a whole different story )

She told me about the date and how he's ok and she may well see him again and how they had a laugh cus they ended up in the casino and I was pleased for her but again gutted because I have been a fool

I let my heart rule my head I'm not decisive enough when it comes to women and I don't just go out there and get what I want I sit back and hope it comes to me, I am royally crap with women.

This isnt the first time this has happened, Since I split with "L" nearly two years ago now I havent really properly moved on I havent been with another women since "L" and although I don't think I am still in love with "L" I will always love her, I think it is about time I move on

I dont know what or how I am going to do it but I need to

The problem is I am really quite picky when it comes to women not physically or anything I like to be able to have a conversation with a women I like a strong intelligent women who can argue her point and express her opinion

I am not particulary highly sexed

Don't get me wrong I enjoy it and crave it regulary like the next man but I dont look for it first and I dont think I am forward enough when it comes to sex or intimacy, I think I possibly have intimacy issues maybe

I am not confident enough to make the first move and dont think I have ever made the first move sober.....

Which is probably why I struggle so much

Right now I just want to be held I want to sit down in front of the fire with a good bottle of red and some candles lit and just talk into the night is that wrong

What a week, darkness, light and revelations

Well regular readers or anyone that chooses to go beyond this post will know that I have had a particulary dark week ;(

It has been interesting to say the least but I think I am through this weeks dark spell....

There is no point in saying that this is the end because I know its not ;(

Although I feel better until I get it sorted properly it will not end I have been to see my GP and started the long drawn out process that is being dealt with by the NHS.....

I am actually with bupa but unfortunately I have to been seen by a consultant or specialist before I can get the issue escalated to Bupa level....

It will come with time ;)

I had a phone call from my brother tonight

Ok last night it went beyond dark

Ok last night I had one of the darkest nights of my entire life it went beyond dark...


I did one of the stupidest things I have ever done.....

Fortunately I made a stupid job of it and I am writing this so its all ok but it woke me up a little bit.....

I am telling you guys about it but I have told no one else

I dont think I will tell you what I did but you can guess by reading the post before this !

I have decided I need to get more work on my tattoo see the link on the left hand side it is of my Alien on my arm I have had a brief siesta from getting work done but I need to get more done asap as it works as a form of therapy for me to see some of the additions go look at my myspace pics for some of the more recent work....

I really don't know what happened last night I just lost the will......


completely.....

Ok I struggled to bring myself out today and hardly spoke and then went and did some work and it kinda brought me round but I arent there yet I know its ups and downs and I appreciate that its gonna take time but last night was so close how do I stop myself from going there again.....

More ink.....

Help.......


How I don't know......

The Dark, Dark mist has descended again.... I just want it to go away please...

Its back, I don't know if there are triggers or presets or times of the month or what but the darkness is back and its holding on this time those thought's the unmentionables are back and they are forefront now I cant stop thinking that same set of thoughts......

And in summary it goes 'Why bother'

I really detest feeling this way and I want to be better it has me upset I have spent most of the morning trying not to cry I just feel at the end of my tether every way I turn is an up hill battle no end no remorse what have I done wrong why have I brought this upon myself

I'm sorry to bring your Mondays down to such a level but I need to get this out of my head and down....

I cant stop my emotions at the moment I burst into sobs uncontrollably and I am shaking and cold an i just want to curl up and for it all to go away why oh why does it have to be like this, this is without a doubt one of the darkest I have suffered so far....

I ostracised myself from my friends and family over the last 18 months to two years which probably doesn't help matters as I now have a very small circle of friends, don't get me wrong they are very supportive but I can be difficult and every dark at times I'm not exactly hug gable but sometimes all I want is a hug......

I do of course have my blogging friends and I have to say they have all been very very supportive I just don't seem to appreciate the bigger picture I can only see my small dark pond....

Good Morning Campers :)

Morning,

Today is starting off bright and cheery, don't ask me me why it just does, I'm in a good mood in the morning and I'm not normally even close to sub human first thing so its a rare treat Ill have you know ;)

Not that I should be its grey gloomy and cloudy outside and the world still hasnt really woken up.....

I've come to work an now Im just trying to decide whether to work or not......

No news on either "B" or "You" this morning im afraid they are both on a contact lockdown what that means and how long it last I have no idea but it seems to be doing the trick @ the moment!

I think I need to get out and see the world some more ;)

Well the most unromantic day of the year is over ;)

Well people thats it done for another 365 days Valentines day has been and gone......

Was it good for you ? I can't say it was exactly a bad day slightly unromantic but you know I wasn't really expecting much, after all you only get out what you put in don't you I can hardly say I made huge efforts yesterday!

I did bump into "B" while I was picking up a few essentials last night (Bread & Cat Food) We had quite a chat and it resolved a few issues in my head, strange to be able to come to such a major conclusion over such a short period of time you may think but it just jumped out at me!

She's right! There is no spark! There is no doubt whatso ever that I have feelings for "B" and I love her in one of its many incarnations but I didn't get it, oh actually wait up, hold on..... Actually I was walking down the aisle towards the till with my purchases and I spotted "B" at which point I shouted her (I should point out that I had my ipod on listening to Korn snd thus shouted quite loudly) she didn't hear so I whistled, again she didn't hear.....

So for some reason I walked to the first emptiest til I could see and then continued to watch and wait while my turn cam we checked out moments apart she started to walk off mere moments before me and I duly hot footed it to catch up with her and shouted her......

She heard me this time I asked her how she was (it was initially awkward) then I laughed an joked an had her smiling she does look cute when she smiles and giggles liek that! But I digress my point being when I was in the supermarket and trying to get her attention and trying to catch up with her I was nervous, anxious and my stomach had butterflies...... Yet when I finally catch her outside there was nothing there it was awkward, she laughed we joked and it was nice but there didn't seem to be anything there if anything she was trying to get away.....

Oh I don't know I sent her a text to which she didn't reply again......

Yes I know I should probably stop chasing I am making myself look slightly desperate maybe !

Ok no more chasing !

Its her turn!

She wants !

She is gonna have to come get!

I am frustrated because last time she got in touch the 'feelings' where brought up again and we had long chats and she rang me loads and we chatted about everything then it just stops......

I am a boredom filler aren't I (I am being used I think, and not in a bloody good way)

We shall have to see!

This cannot go on!

Well whats today been ?

Today has been short!

Yeah thats right today has actually flown by, which has been good and unusual in both aspects....

I am considering a career change? I'm not exactly sure how or what at the moment but I realise that I am not getting what I want out of me at the moment and I think maybe I should have a change I have been doing my current job for nearly eight years in one incarnation or another and I just think maybe its not really me?

I don't know exactly what I am going to do yet but I think tonight I am going to give it some thought ;)

I am duly awaiting some kind of information from my Doctor after I printed off my blog for him to read yesterday I should aslo note that I wrote down a few things about how I had been feeling reacting as well at the time just to add some kind of perspective to the whole thing.

Since I sent texts to both "You" and "B" to tell them I think I have a name for my issues I have heard nothing and my landlord has been really understanding but I think my business partner is a little worried because he is acting a little strangely I know he has his own issues but we have both been working very hard towards where we are now and I was pushing yself hard before we started this project and yes I know I said I am thinking of a career change but I am still willing to back my current choice if I see 100% commitment on both sides a one sided pendulum is very hard to ride!

Well I think thats it for now Im off home to see my cats and feed bye for now!

Issues , Issues, Issues

My Tattooist has been in to see me this morning and told me to get my arse round an rebook because he is desperate to get on and Tattoo me (or finish tattooing me at any rate :) ) Which is good news because I have missed having my tattoo done I really have ;)

I have been to see my Doctor this morning as well about some of my issues and he has asked to see a copy of my blog and some other notes regarding my Mental health so I have duly printed off a copy of my blog Natural Mental Implosion has gone public !

Not the way I had hoped but hopefully it will help!

I have never let anyone other than you guys read my blog so I am slightly nervous but if it helps then maybe its for the good of all things ? Who knows !

My business partner suggested this morning that I go on the sick to cover any expenses at the moment I think he his losing faith in me but to be honest I expected a little more support but I shall have to see where that goes!

I had a dream about "B" Last night it was nice

I dreamt that something had made her realise we should be together and she came to see me and then we kissed but when we kissed she had a mouth full of water..... Im not sure what that signifies but it was nearly romantic!

I am unsure of a few things at the moment I am thinking of packing in the whole working for myself thing and getting a real job where someone else worries but can I do that and what do I do

Past Life

I have just been over at Michele's as I tend to be of a weekend an I visited Courtney's blog which was fun you should pop over and she had a link to Past Life Analysis which amused me so I went and had a go

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Burma around the year 1550. Your profession was that of a banker, usurer, moneylender or judge.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:

As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:

Your task is to learn determination and persistency. Youd should not allow to let misfortunes take influence on your strong will.

Do you remember now?

No I don't but it amused me none the less ;)

Flitty... Like a Butterfly

Hey Everyone ;)

It turns out I'm flighty like a butterfly, well that's how a friend described me this weekend, an it made sense after a comment I received.... Here on my blog!

I have trouble holding my concentration, I am easily distracted, I hardly ever tend to finish a project to its fullest! and I fidget like you wouldn't believe......

I'm not sure where this fits in but I have an very vivid imagination.....

I but into conversations quite frequently and I struggle to keep with just one strain of thought at any time I normally have three four or five thought paths going on in my head which although great fun at times can cause chaos and often confusion ;)

I suffer from bouts of depression often for no apparent reason and I have the weirdest of mood swings you can imagine often waking in a morning in a god awful mood and staying that way all day!

You know what I figure there has to be a reason for this, I'm onto a couple of possibles and I think I have a good contender tied down but I have decided I have had enough and its about time I dealt with this once and for all cause its not how I want to be any more.......

I enjoy the dark thought strains sometimes and I enjoy the spikes in happiness when they come but I have contemplated suicide just one time too many of late and enough is enough its time to turn the corner move on and start back up the hill ;)

Updates on the week....

well I was hoping to post a picture of the snow but Im away from my webcam and I can't install the bluetooth driver on this laptop as it doesnt have a pcmcia slot or not an old one anyways so I am trying to install my microsoft bluetooth mouse and use that if i am successful ill update the post with a photo ;)

As for the week oh well interesting is the slant as it always is im gonna have to come up with a new word....

Any suggestions ?

"You" text me last night and we had a 44 text conversation which resulted in me realising I do still have dormant feelings for her and it is obvious they are at some level reciprocated because the texts went on til 130 am an became quite intense at points but I still have to beg the question is it a good idea there is an age difference and at times it can be apparent at others it is not visible or noticable am i the one putting stop to any further action or am i imagining that there is anything in it? Both questions I do not have the answer to right now although I will search for them at some level....

"B" has been very elusive this week which probably means she has herself a temporary playtoy of some description you may be sensing slight aggrevation in my tone but it is not of any depth or strength because I have no right to stand in the way of a situation I am not participating in to any level!

I am sure with time things will get sorted out and with each step and each day I learn a little something else about myself or the situations around me ;)

Well the week is interesting

Hey all ;)

This week has been busy, confused, stressful and complicated but its been fun ;)

I am dealing with things a hell of a lot better this week, I'm not entirely sure how but whatever I am doing is helping......

The uplifting and reassuring comments from my blogger friends (you know who you are) are great and always help sometimes I think it just helps to get another persons point of view and perspective as well as to get a re-assuring "hey it will be ok just hang in there"

So all in all positive is the answer ;)

Its cold in blighty at the mo and I mean cold, plus its going to snow tomorrow which is always fun, the upside to the weather is even though it is really cold (not artic cold or alaska cold) but cold, it is really sunny the sun is sat there bright and proud like its making its own special point!

I am thinking of revamping my blog at the moment I am going to start with my banner I think and work back from there I have a few ideas for CSS templates I want to use but I am going to ease myself into that gently.

As for everything else at the moment business is very hectic and is piece by piece picking up pace which is good....

I am in the process of building the content for a seminar I am going to be giving on the benefits of the internet as a knowledge base and research tool and general social networking environment while staying safe and protected which is really interesting and entertaining.

I know I keep asking but any of you guys that are on myspace get on over to my page and add me..... Network, network, network......

And for anyone who I havent thanked for commenting here's a big thank you to all of you for general comments hints and help and generally for not lurking ;)

Oh God what a week

If it could go wrong this week it did !!

I have had some royally dark spells this week, mentally and physically and there have been some close calls.....

My Internet at home is limited again which is not leaving me able to blog as regularly as I would like which I don't think is helping....

I have started to be able to spot when I am struggling mentally of late as I can't gather my thoughts or string together strains of memory.....

My association / relationship with "B" and "You" is no clearer and when I have my dark spells this is not helping the situation but maybe that is half my own fault as well as a culmination of other issues.

My heaad is well and truly living up to the title of my blog at the moment in all its forms

Financially my life is falling apart I have money coming in but its always a day later than I need it which is an age old problem and a matter of my lack of financial organisation or lack of it

Well this is actually an update to a the above which I meant to post on saturday but it got banged into draft so here I am Sunday night 251am so Monday Morning really blogging "Ace"

I have just been over to Myspace poor showing people (but thanks to al that do add an say hello) and I was reminded I hadnt blogged by a blogging friend who I asked my how my week was and I said I would be blogging about it later well I havent.....

Or blogged about my weekend....!

Where have I been ?

Well busy really working which is good but a boys gotta play an I am not doin enough of that I can tell you......

The question really is what has a man gotta do to find a woman to hold him yes ladies right now thats all I bloody well want (although admittedly that may not last the night out ) who has less issues than him ???

It doesnt seem like an unreasonable request but for the love of me.....

I am taking offers for companionship from all angles people ;)

What I look for is someone who I can talk to share time with and who I can laugh with I am hard to live with a workaholic and slightly eccentric on the other hand I am loving heartfelt and a deep down romantic.....

Yet it aint working what am I doing wrong ?

Thats me up there third from the left black top

Oh and I know I keep banging on a bout it but if you have a myspace go add me ;)

Oh God what a week

If it could go wrong this week it did !!

I have had some royally dark spells this week, mentally and physically and there have been some close calls.....

My Internet at home is limited again which is not leaving me able to blog as regularly as I would like which I don't think is helping....

I have started to be able to spot when I am struggling mentally of late as I can't gather my thoughts or string together strains of memory.....

My association / relationship with "B" and "You" is no clearer and when I have my dark spells this is not helping the situation but maybe that is half my own fault as well as a culmination of other issues.

My heaad is well and truly living up to the title of my blog at the moment in all its forms

Financially my life is falling apart I have money coming in but its always a day later than I need it which is an age old problem and a matter of my lack of financial organisation or lack of it