Well Thats a suprise

Hello everyone ;)

I made comemnt in my last post how I had laid myself in the hands of the NHS well they have suprised the hell out of me I had a letter yesterday informing me that I have an appointment at my local mental health institute with a locum I am not exactly sure what will come of it but its a start or a heading in the right direction I think and I have to say it was a great weight off my shoulders to finally feel like I am being taken seriously or that I am gettinig some help in dealing with my issues ;)

Yesterday was interesting in the fact that I got a lot more done than I expected even though I thought I had lost my trusty Palm (c) Tungsten T3 which I don't think I have mentioned before but I have come to rely on it of late to keep me as organised as possible, well as organised as it is possible to keep me ??

Any where I was slightly upset to say the least at the loss of my trusty little organiser not just for the fact that I would have to rely on one of my laptops but also because I was finally making headway with Soduko......

But I was literally sitting there thinking "come on where did you have it last" (a whole different story I can tell you no chance of remembering that ) An I thought I hadn't tried my dressing gown low an behold there it was in the right hand pocket....

Well the level of relief was such that I actually kissed it (I'm serious)

We are reunited now me and "The Guide" an I have promised to take better care of it ;)

Any way I think thats it for now but if I remember anything else I'll be back later ;)

Ok lets change the subject ;)

Well whats happened this weekend I worked til late on friday and then went to the pub and had a few beers, I saw "You" out with some random she was on a date and although I have no right to be pissed off I really was and am

I worked til late again last night and we met up with one of the guys who has been doing some part time work with us "G" until he landed a job in conjuction with his politics Degree. Well "G" landed said job and flies out to brussels on tuesday so we had arranged to have a couple of beers with george to wish him the best and "you" came in cus she knows "G"'s brother well and they were off to the local late jazz bar and we chatted and I got chatting to "you" and we laughed about the fact that she was covered in red food colouring (She is a creative hurricane, but thats a whole different story )

She told me about the date and how he's ok and she may well see him again and how they had a laugh cus they ended up in the casino and I was pleased for her but again gutted because I have been a fool

I let my heart rule my head I'm not decisive enough when it comes to women and I don't just go out there and get what I want I sit back and hope it comes to me, I am royally crap with women.

This isnt the first time this has happened, Since I split with "L" nearly two years ago now I havent really properly moved on I havent been with another women since "L" and although I don't think I am still in love with "L" I will always love her, I think it is about time I move on

I dont know what or how I am going to do it but I need to

The problem is I am really quite picky when it comes to women not physically or anything I like to be able to have a conversation with a women I like a strong intelligent women who can argue her point and express her opinion

I am not particulary highly sexed

Don't get me wrong I enjoy it and crave it regulary like the next man but I dont look for it first and I dont think I am forward enough when it comes to sex or intimacy, I think I possibly have intimacy issues maybe

I am not confident enough to make the first move and dont think I have ever made the first move sober.....

Which is probably why I struggle so much

Right now I just want to be held I want to sit down in front of the fire with a good bottle of red and some candles lit and just talk into the night is that wrong

What a week, darkness, light and revelations

Well regular readers or anyone that chooses to go beyond this post will know that I have had a particulary dark week ;(

It has been interesting to say the least but I think I am through this weeks dark spell....

There is no point in saying that this is the end because I know its not ;(

Although I feel better until I get it sorted properly it will not end I have been to see my GP and started the long drawn out process that is being dealt with by the NHS.....

I am actually with bupa but unfortunately I have to been seen by a consultant or specialist before I can get the issue escalated to Bupa level....

It will come with time ;)

I had a phone call from my brother tonight

Ok last night it went beyond dark

Ok last night I had one of the darkest nights of my entire life it went beyond dark...


I did one of the stupidest things I have ever done.....

Fortunately I made a stupid job of it and I am writing this so its all ok but it woke me up a little bit.....

I am telling you guys about it but I have told no one else

I dont think I will tell you what I did but you can guess by reading the post before this !

I have decided I need to get more work on my tattoo see the link on the left hand side it is of my Alien on my arm I have had a brief siesta from getting work done but I need to get more done asap as it works as a form of therapy for me to see some of the additions go look at my myspace pics for some of the more recent work....

I really don't know what happened last night I just lost the will......


completely.....

Ok I struggled to bring myself out today and hardly spoke and then went and did some work and it kinda brought me round but I arent there yet I know its ups and downs and I appreciate that its gonna take time but last night was so close how do I stop myself from going there again.....

More ink.....

Help.......


How I don't know......

The Dark, Dark mist has descended again.... I just want it to go away please...

Its back, I don't know if there are triggers or presets or times of the month or what but the darkness is back and its holding on this time those thought's the unmentionables are back and they are forefront now I cant stop thinking that same set of thoughts......

And in summary it goes 'Why bother'

I really detest feeling this way and I want to be better it has me upset I have spent most of the morning trying not to cry I just feel at the end of my tether every way I turn is an up hill battle no end no remorse what have I done wrong why have I brought this upon myself

I'm sorry to bring your Mondays down to such a level but I need to get this out of my head and down....

I cant stop my emotions at the moment I burst into sobs uncontrollably and I am shaking and cold an i just want to curl up and for it all to go away why oh why does it have to be like this, this is without a doubt one of the darkest I have suffered so far....

I ostracised myself from my friends and family over the last 18 months to two years which probably doesn't help matters as I now have a very small circle of friends, don't get me wrong they are very supportive but I can be difficult and every dark at times I'm not exactly hug gable but sometimes all I want is a hug......

I do of course have my blogging friends and I have to say they have all been very very supportive I just don't seem to appreciate the bigger picture I can only see my small dark pond....

Good Morning Campers :)

Morning,

Today is starting off bright and cheery, don't ask me me why it just does, I'm in a good mood in the morning and I'm not normally even close to sub human first thing so its a rare treat Ill have you know ;)

Not that I should be its grey gloomy and cloudy outside and the world still hasnt really woken up.....

I've come to work an now Im just trying to decide whether to work or not......

No news on either "B" or "You" this morning im afraid they are both on a contact lockdown what that means and how long it last I have no idea but it seems to be doing the trick @ the moment!

I think I need to get out and see the world some more ;)

Well the most unromantic day of the year is over ;)

Well people thats it done for another 365 days Valentines day has been and gone......

Was it good for you ? I can't say it was exactly a bad day slightly unromantic but you know I wasn't really expecting much, after all you only get out what you put in don't you I can hardly say I made huge efforts yesterday!

I did bump into "B" while I was picking up a few essentials last night (Bread & Cat Food) We had quite a chat and it resolved a few issues in my head, strange to be able to come to such a major conclusion over such a short period of time you may think but it just jumped out at me!

She's right! There is no spark! There is no doubt whatso ever that I have feelings for "B" and I love her in one of its many incarnations but I didn't get it, oh actually wait up, hold on..... Actually I was walking down the aisle towards the till with my purchases and I spotted "B" at which point I shouted her (I should point out that I had my ipod on listening to Korn snd thus shouted quite loudly) she didn't hear so I whistled, again she didn't hear.....

So for some reason I walked to the first emptiest til I could see and then continued to watch and wait while my turn cam we checked out moments apart she started to walk off mere moments before me and I duly hot footed it to catch up with her and shouted her......

She heard me this time I asked her how she was (it was initially awkward) then I laughed an joked an had her smiling she does look cute when she smiles and giggles liek that! But I digress my point being when I was in the supermarket and trying to get her attention and trying to catch up with her I was nervous, anxious and my stomach had butterflies...... Yet when I finally catch her outside there was nothing there it was awkward, she laughed we joked and it was nice but there didn't seem to be anything there if anything she was trying to get away.....

Oh I don't know I sent her a text to which she didn't reply again......

Yes I know I should probably stop chasing I am making myself look slightly desperate maybe !

Ok no more chasing !

Its her turn!

She wants !

She is gonna have to come get!

I am frustrated because last time she got in touch the 'feelings' where brought up again and we had long chats and she rang me loads and we chatted about everything then it just stops......

I am a boredom filler aren't I (I am being used I think, and not in a bloody good way)

We shall have to see!

This cannot go on!