Blah where do I start

Well I went to see the doc yesterday I got up feeling rough and slightly deaf and I thought this ain't right surely? So on arriving at the office I rang for an emergency appointment and surprisingly enough got one, toddled off down to the doc he looks down my ear and his first words are eurrgh….

Which I wasn't expecting, turns out I have had this ear infection for a couple of weeks an my body has been ignoring it or I have who knows, well he puts me on ear spray and antibiotics, I then have to inform him I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for my prescription for ssri's to make sure things to conflict. Now this was strange for me cus I never really used to take tablets and all of a sudden my life is to be very involved arrange around these weird little pills. They are going to improve my quality of life greatly so I don't mind its just strange for me to think I will rely on someone other than myself. I asked my doc who was really good by the way about the issues with ssri's and he put me at ease saying look if something is wrong you fix it that is what you are doing with the ssri's an when he put it like that I thought "yeah that makes sense".

So I troddled off to see my psychiatrist today who I talked about the issues I have been having and how the boundary between work and play and my dark days is getting blurry and that I thought I was ready to accept chemical help in sorting this issue out and he told me he would write the scrip for me refer me for some confidence building therapy and see how I coped on the meds. You know what I already feel slightly better I am out of sorts today but I already feel slightly more at ease in myself in that I am a step closer to the end to this dark evolution of me I am sure I will come out the other side a better and more understanding person but I have to say this journey has been pants….

On a different note I have been invited to my mums 49^th birthday bash tomorrow to which I am going hesitantly but I really do have to go there are bridges that need building there so it's a first step and all but I am on antibiotics at the mo and I really should stay on them and continue the course, but do I sneak a wee drinky in tomorrow night (we all know where one leads come on lets be realistic its me compulsive addictive personality over here) or do I be a good boy and stay sober….

Well answers on a postcard please

*side note*

I gave my psychiatrist the url to this blog today so if you're here and reading it welcome and thanks for everything

Here is a picture a friend of mine did and gave me for my birthday I cant remember if I have shown you guys before, I really like it makes me smile. An right now I need a smile, I have a really nasty ear infection....

It hurts I am on ear spray and antibiotics and I am going to see the Head Doc about my happy pills today so maybe I'll update you all later today ;)

Time for change

I need to change what I am doing, but we all know change is difficult. I am not getting out any where to meet new people, ok I am getting out more than I was six months ago but I need to expand my hobbies or move further afield I need to expand my group of contacts I feel like punching myself for thinking this never mind typing it but I need to network. In a whole variety of Levels I need to get my social skills up to scratch again and I need to build my confidence levels up again. I have forgot to tell you all I went for a drink with my family last Monday for my Dad's birthday and my Mum was there and she invited me to her birthday party this Saturday the 26^th which was nice and I haven't been able to face going to my Mum's for some time actually the last time my brother tried to take me there I had some what of a panic attack well this time there is going to be a whole lot of people there drinking or drunk that I don't or won't know, there will be family as well and I am going to go and enjoy myself.

Anywho here we go.....

Ok somewhere something went wrong ;o

Yes I am still trying to get to sleep but I have realised in my half awake half asleep phase, I used to have some if limited success with women ( I once managed to talk my way into a liaison with a woman much older than me 14 years ago she was 2 years older than I am now we are indeed talking mrs Robinson I was well happy with myself ) Anyway so we have gone from illicit Liaisons with older women to younger women to mass confusion but basically none and these days my confidence with women is zilch, nil nada.....

But I ask ya I must have had a slippery tongue or some persuasive guile at some point cus on memory I haven't done half bad, or is my deluded brain making things up for itself to make me feel better?

No its not "C" was an absolutely awesome kisser, as yet unrivalled

But that doesn't get my confidence back it just means I ahve some memories to keep me warm at night, I wanna know what went wrong, no scratch that I don't I just wanna know how to fix it

The Song to my Life

I was quite happily lying there letting my Ipod rock me off to sleep when a song caught my ear and woke my out of almost slumber, on Listening to the lyrics ~Pink – The One that got Away ~ I have decided this is my problem I let them get away this should be the song to my life well lets say the song to my relationship history so all I need now is a birth wedding and funeral song.....

Oh maybe a failed engagement, failed relationship, nearing drinking problem, cancer near miss, one testicle removal possible nervous breakdown........

No scratch that I need an Album

Enjoying a lazy Sunday as you can see the weather is good ;)

Oh bugger Im a moron

I have just realised I have effectively annihilated my anonymity by publishing a link to face book I am a moron sometimes and I preach to people about staying safe online what a complete Muppet is I

*edit*

Problem solved ;) I removed the link yeah you 'll find it if you want to but its not painfully obvious

*edit*

I may or may not have done something stupid

Hey people,

:) Long time no post (well for my regular readers anywho ;) )

I have been away signing up to all types of things and have been really slack updating my blog so much so I havent even been to see Michele in over a week I will pay her a visit this weekend though ;)

So what have I been doing well besides developing an addiction to CSI which is unusual for me as I don't normally watch that much telly I have actually been working my ass off which is all good ;) I have been sorting my new Tattoo photo's out as you can see over at Myspace ;) as well as generally surfing the net and not posting here. Well here I am so....

Well what may I or may I not have done that is stupid well I am on facebook now and I found out you can import a blog from an RSS feed or a website so naturally I put in my blogger URL then hit confirm.....

Then froze and went all cold, why you ask well I have posted about friends and people I know on here that I may be connected to or have as friends on facebook and I read one of the most recent ( no I am not putting a link to it and make it easier to find ;) ) and thought oh dear they are bound to work it out from that lets face it I have nt exactly used the worlds most complex cypher now have I *slaps own wrists*

Well for all my regular readers I am bound to be back more often now writing about the stress I have caused myself lol

As for all the newbee's from Facebook welcome and enjoy but beware this is my Natural Mental Implosion

This is my new camera ;) This is the view from my Apartment.

A Painting given to me by a very good friend as a birthday present ;)

Been a while

Oh....

Women do my god damn head in ;( I don't knwo why I do it.....

I am going to delete her MSN and block her every f@:"£$g time I speak to "b" lately it frustrates me the cheeky Mare. I Msned her today to tell her I had signed up for The NDCS expidition to the North Pole they are full for next year but I am on the waiting list. That's another goal on the life plan signed up for and I told her that a girl I briefly had a thing ish kinda one date and we kissed no where near enough if you ask me has been in touch her name is "C" I had a real thing for "C" (yes I know another ??) but with "C" it was slightly different in as much as I was kinda dating her and the girl "S" I went onto propose to we were briefly engaged and I finished the relationship when I realised I was with her for the company not for her which I have never told her and probably should have. I also should have stayed with "C" as she really did it for me and in a way I have realised writing this "R" reminds me so much of "C" so there is a pattern to the women I fall for. Where am I going with this well.

"B" never liked "C" cus she was jealous (her words, she told me ) and I told "B" "C" had been in touch purely because I was chuffed she had been in touch and I told her I had been put on the waiting list for north pole well because she had told me I ought to do something....

Then she tells me she has a confession to which I responded if it's "S's" brother I'll point and laugh as she had told me her sister "A" had been trying to set her and "M" up and she responded 'Do as you wish' oooh sore spot

Well I told her I'm happy for her and asked her now she has her hands full with men and things have moved on can we meet up for a drink to properly catch up to which she replied 'when your over me maybe'

Now this royally pissed me off....

you wanna no why, well im gonna tell you anyway

I have given this thought and although I do care for "B" in a very deep way I have tryed to imagine us together not just together but intimate and you know what I can't do it, no I really cant I just cant imagine it and believe me if you knew me I have a very active and colourful imagination and yes I know I have gone through a whole torrent of emotions on here for "B" but I have come to realise that I think of her in a very loving and deep way and I truly believe I do love her but not in that way. I dont want to have sex with her and cant imagine it and for me that kinda puts the end to any long term ideas so thats it cold calulated and ended she on the other hand little miss bloody ego over there thinks I still have a thing for her well no I care for her and am jealous of men in her life but only the same as I am jealous of my sister "L's" new boyfriend who is 2 years older than me because I want to protect them.

Yes I had confused a deeper love with a lust or another form of love and maybe I should be telling "B" well NO

If she wants to know whats going on she'll have to read my bloody blog

An if "C" ever reads this I'm single

My View

He he he

I know now I'm just being mean ;o

The kids View

This is the view my Cats have from my apartment, Lol

I know I have'nt blogged in a while but I'll be back soon ;)